Long Rant, but.... would really appreciate advice

[ForeverPink]

Ok I will try desparately to stick to the facts and not rant.

Ive finally met a partner who I adore and whom I am very happy with. He is Turkish and I have lived in Turkey for 2 and a half years. He is not the normal awful waiter type who fleeces off older women but is a professional hairdresser who has values and morals.

Ive flown back to England to stay with my parents for 3 weeks for Christmas. Ive found out to my shock, amazement and happiness that I am pregnant.

Ok here is the crunch. My partner was ripped off by his business partner years ago and lost everything. Cars, house and business. When I met him he was starting again and as the course of true love never runs smoothly we met, fell in love and the rest is history. Originally he wanted to financially secure himself again before meeting another partner. But hey ho.

For months now we have been living literally on the breadline in Turkey. He gives his last pennies to me every single day but honestly in the past month, there have been no tourists therefore no work and no money. Some days I have had to survive on less than a pound. The apartment we live in is furnished but has zero heating and we are VERY lucky to get hot water once a fortnight. Hence me having to boil the kettle up to wash face and body in. Some days we have been low on food also. Because we love each other we have stuck it out and looked to the future.

We are based in a town which is very seasonal and has zero tourists in the wintertime. He thinks we should go to Izmir which is a city where he has many contacts, open a shop (he would get the money from family) get it up and running and then permanently leave it there whilst we are in England to make money. This however means a big upheaval for me and possibly living in his mums house which again has zero heating and ONE electricity socket out the whole house. Im just NOT used to living like that! ESPECIALLY when pregnant and this is my first child.

At the moment I am in England at my mum and dads house and although they are not rich I have hot water, showers, decent food, heating and television every day. I am absolutely loving it. These things are basic things but I have not had them for some time. If my mum and dad knew they would be so worried.

In a week and a half I am due to fly back to Turkey and as much as I love and adore my partner I am DREADING IT. Going back to a cold house, low amounts of poor quality food and no money. I can NEVER say this to my partner as he gets so upset and thinks I am blaming him.

I just wish I could fly back, pack his bags and bring him right back here now but that isnt possible as he is turkish and needs a visa. We plan to get married very quickly when I get back to Turkey (which isnt very romantic) but now I am pregnant that is the only way we have any hope of him getting into England to be here for the birth.

I am seeing the midwife in a week in England and part of me is wishing that she will say "oh dear you have to be back in England in a months time" or "oh my dear you will have to delay your flight". How bad is that

I love my partner dearly and desparately miss him but the quality of life in England where I am compared to what I have in Turkey just cannot be compared.

Now I am pregnant it will get harder along the way and I am so worried.

I will also be entitled to benefits and endless free medical care in England which I wont get in Turkey. Being as this is my first baby I want the best care for the little one and for myself as possible. Yes its natural but I am also a little nervous.

Am I bad for thinking these things? What could I tell him to try and make him understand. If he could he would come right back with me to England but its not that easy.

I feel selfish and horrible telling him that my life here is better and I dont want him EVER to think that I want to leave him because I dont. He will be the perfect doting dad.

Im so sorry about this rant, any words of wisdom you can offer would be fab. Im so happy about the baby but so dreading going back to Turkey and very sad about this situation.

 

[bella1342]

I really truly think you need to be in England for your whole pregnancy. I am worried for you. You can not live in the conditions that you live in, in Turkey. Vitamins and nutrition are a big thing while being pregnant... you need heat, hot water, all of those things. I wouldn't feel safe if I were pregnant and had no medical insurance. I wish you would talk to your partner... he needs to do what is best for you, and if he loved you... he would. It seems like you already sacrificed a lot to be with him. I wish you lots of luck.

 

[Aquilah]

It seems to me living in England might be best. Now that you're pregnant, you have to worry even more so about that which already bothers you. You need to know you're adequately being taken care of (and I don't mean he's not, but I mean in general). I suggest trying to talk to your partner about it, and letting him know this is for the baby first and foremost, as well as for you. Ultimately, your health and well-being affects the baby now.

Maybe, start looking into jobs he could take on in England. Help assure him moving to England can be a good thing. Show and prove to him things that will rest his mind at ease knowing the move is for the best. You know?

I agree with Nicole in that you've "sacrificed" and now it's time for him to start doing the same. Being back home is great, fine and dandy, but if it's not getting you anywhere, then it's time to start re-evaluating things. And it seems to me it's time for your partner to realize this himself.

I wish you the very best of luck Lorraine. Please do keep us updated! And most of all, congrats on the pregnancy!

 

[pinksugar]

agreed, I think it would be best for both you and the baby if you stayed in england for a time. I'm not sure how you could explain to him without making it sound like you're saying turkey sucks but surely he will understand for the sake of your child..

please keep us updated and congratulations on your pregnancy!

 

[Ashley]

I agree with everyone--You need to be in England. I think he would understand as he needs to put you and the baby ahead.

I think you should also work on getting him to England as soon as possible.

 

[nics1972]

Being in love is wonderful. It is a blessing, but, for it is not enough for going thru life. Life has many challenges and no one can live on love alone.. we need the basic necessities in life.. decent nutrition, water, heat.. In the end, things boil down to survival. While in the initial phases you might think you can "get thru it all", remember that you are carrying a life inside you.. a life that is totally dependent on you. It gets its nourishment from you. Further more, one cannot go thru life making "sacrifices". True, everyone does, to an extent, but if it gets to where you dread gong back and are relying on external factors to give you a reason to stay back, you might really wanna give it some serious thought. Sacrfices that are not made willingly to an extent will fester dssatisfaction and that can be bad for any relationship. Like I said, we all need money to live a decent quality of life. You cannot feed yourself or your family on love. If you are going thru so much now, how will you cope financilly once the baby arrives ? I know these are hard questions, but really, these are factors you will need to consider eventually. The stress of the baby, the hard life.. lack of food, heat and hot showers.. will it start getting to you ? Ask yourself that.

And, I dont know if this could be done, but its just a thought.. maybe you could go back to Turkey, get married, come back, file papers for him w/immigration and wait in the UK till his immigration goes thru. And he could join you a little bit later, perhaps..

I apologize if I sounded harsh. I truly dont mean to.. My parents always insisted on us having a career and earn a living because they neve believed that love is enough to sustain a person.. in the end, we are all human beings and the basic necessities will supercede everything else..

 

[ForeverPink]

I am gutted

I have found out that because I have lived out of England for over 6 months. I am entitled to ZERO health checks and medical care IN MY OWN COUNTRY, even though since I was 18 I have paid tax and national insurance and now I am 38. I even asked if for example I came back to England at some point and went into premature labour what would happen. I was told they would slap a large bill on me. This is my own Country. I am regarded as a nothing now. I am so upset. I am so shocked. You need to be back in the Country for 6 months to quality for medical help so even If I moved back right now I wouldnt be able to see a midwife for 6 months. This week I am seeking further advice but I have heard this now from several sources. What on earth am I going to do?

I have called a "private" hospital which is top notch in Bodrum where I live and they have quoted some reasonable prices for scans and regular checks so I might have to stay in Turkey to have the baby.

My partner understands that England is a better place to work and live so has no problem with moving back with me when the baby is born. We have both agreed we need to get married pronto to get him back into England. This I think from hearing other peoples stories may take 2 to 3 months minimum.

For the time being however, I am stuck with my own Country who wont give me any medical treatment OR Turkey which will give me decent medical treatment at a cost (which my mum and dad might have to come up with and they are poor themselves) and which I dont want to be in.

What a choice

I am truly gutted and feel very alone

 

[reesesilverstar]

I was originnaly gonna say I agree with everybody, but at this point, I'd put my life in God's (or whatever divine being/logic you believe in) hands...

Sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place, so ask God to guide and keep you, your baby and your loved one.

That's the best I can do. I am soooooo saddened by this.

God's speed love

 

[ForeverPink]

Thank you very much for your kind words. You are right. I guess things will work out in the end and hopefully God will be able to soften the blows along the way. I am so very worried now though.

Thanks again

x

 

[Kookie-for-COCO]

You need prayer. You are not only responsible for yourself now, you have an innocent life to think of. Put the welfare of you and your child first....and pray. Something will work out. Everything happens for a reason.

 

[farris2]

I am so sorry hun...I hope everything works out for you,baby,and partner.

 

[ForeverPink]

I have found a little "fight" in me now. Have spoken to a local nurse who is a friend of the family and she says it is an outrage I cannot have medical care in my own Country when I have paid National Insurance and Tax all my life.

She has advised me to go back to my Doctors, make an appointment and tell the Doctor what has happened and to say "thank you very much, I will now go through my whole pregnancy in England with no medical checks which is very dangerous to my unborn baby and also to myself". She hopes this will make them sit up and listen (possibly because of the fact that I will sue the arse off them if anything happens to my baby).

If they still do not do anything I will go to the National Health Ombudsman and make a legal complaint.

My god. There are thousands of other nationalities entering the UK and they are getting hospital treatment and they DONT EVEN HAVE A GP, nor is registered anywhere. Unbelieveable.

I have also written to the Midwifery Council today and complained and also contacted the local newspaper to see how I can get a news article in there about it.

Watch out UK, Im Back!!!

 

[ForeverPink]

Its good news

I went back to my GP today and complained and said that I had spoken to the Midwifery Council who say I am English and entitled to care in my own Country.

He agreed. I have my medical tomorrow and the number to call the midwife afterwards for my first scan.

Im so relieved and so will my partner be Im sure

Thank you for all your replies

 

[speedy]

Oh, I'm so glad you got this all sorted out, it's ridiculous to think that you couldn't get medical care in your own country.

Good luck with the pregnancy, I hope it all works out well for you.

 

[chantelle8686]

omg i was gonna say i agree with the other girls to, and when u posted about medical my heart sank!!!

im glad u spoke up about it and that sumthing will be done!!!

Congrats on talkin with ur partner!!!

And wow another MUT baby!!!!

congrats!!!!

 

[Kathy]

Lorraine, I know I'm repeating what others have already been saying, but I agree that going back to Turkey is NOT a good idea under the circumstances! You need heat, hot water, proper nutrition, good medical care (assuming you can get it in England) and if you cannot get it in Turkey you should stay in England! I know you want to be with the man you love, but the two of you need to think about your child and what is best for him/her. I think he would understand if you talked to him about it.

Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[ForeverPink]

Yes you are right. I fly back on 23rd of this month and I only intend to stay there for max a month and a half. I have talked to him and he understands that I am going to put the baby first and the care I get in England far outbeats that of Turkey. Until the baby is born he will simply have to understand this.

I feel now that I just want to "nest". To'ing and fro'ing from Turkey all the time has now got boring for me and we need to make a proper home for our child.