I had fallen asleep at my boyfriend's the night before, so I wasn't home when my mom called and left me a message. I remember hearing the phone ring at his place at around 10:30am (well after things had actually happened) and hearing him respond to something his mom was saying about a plane and the Pentagon. I leapt out of bed, ran into the living room, and turned on CNN, then started screaming at the TV when I saw the footage of the planes hitting the buildings. I just kept yelling "why can't you f***ers leave those buildings alone!!!" and crying. I didn't realize, still, that the buildings had collapsed. I called my father & my grandparents to see how they were doing, even though they were all in NJ. I went home and got ready for work (dressed mostly in black) and was about half an hour late. My boss said "oh good, here you are. We were worried about you." and I almost lost it on her. I wanted to scream that I wasn't the one to be worried about, I had so much anger over what I'd seen. I talked to my best friend, who lives in Boston, and we were both in shock. She'd had classes with one of the girls who was on one of the planes. I felt so alone here in CA, like people only kind of understood what I was feeling. It was so far away and abstract to them, I thought, compared with what I felt since I was from the area.
Most of all I felt like a part of my childhood, and a part of my future, had been ripped away. I have great memories of going up to the top of the WTC with my parents. I always loved those buildings. Even though I live in CA now, I always thought that someday when I had children I'd be able to take them up there just as my parents had done with me.
The after-effects were that I couldn't take my final for my summer session class because I couldn't concentrate enough to study. My prof was very understanding. I ended up with PTSD and depression and dropped out of fall quarter of school. I finally started to feel better when I took a choreography class months later. Everything was still with me, but our final was to write a story, then choreograph it, pick out music and a costume, and perform it for the class. I wasn't the only one to dance about what I experienced on September 11th. The whole process was so helpful to me...it really helped me release a lot of the negative emotions I'd been holding onto. Apparently my performance almost had my classmates in tears because I looked like I was about to cry the whole time.
I still get so sad thinking about everything that happened. The first time I saw ground zero (which was after it was all cleaned up), I was recently off a redeye flight and just started crying. It's so hard because I remember how it used to look when we'd change from the Parh to the subway, I remember the newstands and all the really nice people...all gone.
Thank you, Kee, for making this thread. I want to remember instead of the day just seeming like any other day. It doesn't feel right to just go on normally on this day, not yet. I'm glad you gave us a place and a chance to share. May everyone who died as a result of those attacks rest in peace and may those who lost loved ones find some comfort in knowing that we all mourn with them today.