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Originally Posted by makeupartist2b /img/forum/go_quote.gif Shelley - the advice you just gave me is so exactly right.. every single word. i never knew or talked to anyone that went through the similiar problems i am going through now. so it was hard for me cause it felt like i had no one there to talk too. which i didn't until now.. i really truely apprecaite this and you are exactly right. i feel like i've been brainwashed. i feel like i'm not a good enough person. i feel like a loser i guess you can say.. and that i'm not good enough for anyone else..kind of like no one else will want to be with me.. i've been pushing myself farther away from him lately. i've been keeping my distance, and this is making me realize i can be a strong person and leave him. however, im going to do what you did and not do it in person. i think over the phone will be the best way possible.
i am really sorry for what you have been threw. you seem like such an amazing/strong person. i am so thankful for all the helpful advice you have given me.

Thanks! I'm not fully recovered but a lot better compared to a year or two ago. It takes time to heal and one day I will be at a place that I want.
You mentioned above the way you feel.. not good enough for anyone, no one else will want to be with me etc. I felt exactly the same way. Although I am stronger I do have days where those thoughts still cross my mind. I think it is important to surround yourself with supportive people. The more support you have the easier it will be to learn that you are good enough etc. Unfortunately for me I has zero family support (parents). They were the complete opposite, told me the only man I deserve is one that will beat me etc. I had to find others who were supportive. Luckily one of my doctors was a complete angel plus members on MUT have been wonderful.

As for ending the relationship.. as I mentioned I did it by phoning him. All abusers will react differently. With my exbf I just calmly told him the relationship wasn't working out and I was leaving. He phoned me, begged me to come back, sobbing on the phone, told me he felt like killing himself etc. All kinds of things to get me to go back to him. I knew if I went back my life would be over, he would eventually kill me. I ended up moving, changing my phone number etc. Unfortunately that did not stop him. He stalked me (turns out family was telling him where I was located) threatened me and had his friends come after me. He actually payed one of them to hurt or kill me. I did stay in a women's shelter for a short period of time.

I'm not trying to scare you by telling you what I went through. All abusers are different. Some will leave you alone others won't. You know your bf better than me and his level of control or potential violence. I am just cautioning you on different scenarios.

I hope this helped. Were here for you. Please update us and if you have questions or want to vent please feel free to post or ask.


 
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Shelley you seem like such a strong person and i really do admire you. You are such an amazing person. I am really grateful for all of the advice you give me. (along with everyone else of course, if it wasn't for everyone on here i still would be in such a mess.) anyway, i do have a few supportive people who understand and are still there for me. Which is really nice. ( i am sorry to hear that you didn't have any support. no one deserves to be beat or with someone who treats them terrible. you are a very strong person) I did text my boyfriend and said i think we need some space. some time apart. I've been keeping myself distant from him lately. I thought i would start it at that he did respect it. It's going pretty well. However, he felt something wasn't right. So he been calling me non stop leaving me voice mails and i had 17 missed calls. and alot of text messages saying how much he wants to marry me how he loves me blah blah he wants to be with me forever, and if i ever left him he would kill himself. <-- that right there made me break down, because i really don't know what to think. he is a very unhappy and i really don't know what he would do. He sits outside of my house and waits for me to come home. Which is kind of creepy. Now he is trying to be nice to me and trying to say he is a changed person and everything will be different and we wont fight. (you know what i mean, to make you come back to them.) I mean it is still hard, but i'm doing good. Being that i have friends there to help me, and people to talk too and im keeping myself busy is helping me. which makes me feel really good.

aprilpgb22 - that is what i am scared of. i know he is capable of getting violent he gets really angry and it is kind of scary. i do go right back at him. it isn't the smartest thing to do but i do it. and, well it never ends good. Ending things completely and not having no contact with him whatsoever would probably most def. be my best bet. Cutting him out of my life completely is what needs to be done. Thank you so much april. i really appreciate your advice

 
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everyone gave excellent advice. i wish you good luck and if it becomes violent, don't hesitate a second to call the police and get away from him.

 
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Originally Posted by makeupartist2b /img/forum/go_quote.gif Shelley you seem like such a strong person and i really do admire you. You are such an amazing person. I am really grateful for all of the advice you give me. (along with everyone else of course, if it wasn't for everyone on here i still would be in such a mess.) anyway, i do have a few supportive people who understand and are still there for me. Which is really nice. ( i am sorry to hear that you didn't have any support. no one deserves to be beat or with someone who treats them terrible. you are a very strong person) I did text my boyfriend and said i think we need some space. some time apart. I've been keeping myself distant from him lately. I thought i would start it at that he did respect it. It's going pretty well. However, he felt something wasn't right. So he been calling me non stop leaving me voice mails and i had 17 missed calls. and alot of text messages saying how much he wants to marry me how he loves me blah blah he wants to be with me forever, and if i ever left him he would kill himself. <-- that right there made me break down, because i really don't know what to think. he is a very unhappy and i really don't know what he would do. He sits outside of my house and waits for me to come home. Which is kind of creepy. Now he is trying to be nice to me and trying to say he is a changed person and everything will be different and we wont fight. (you know what i mean, to make you come back to them.) I mean it is still hard, but i'm doing good. Being that i have friends there to help me, and people to talk too and im keeping myself busy is helping me. which makes me feel really good. Thanks!

You made a great start by sending a text message. The part about him saying how much he loves and wants to marry you, he will change, kill himself etc.. that is typical of some men who control, abuse partners. My exbf said similar things. It is hard on you because you think even though they treat me badly I wouldn't want him to kill himself. My ex did that all the time throughout our relationship when he thought I may leave him. I actually never said I would leave verbally because I knew if I said those words in person he would kill me. Eventually I broke up with him over the phone. The important thing is when he says these things is to surround yourself with supportive people. Abusers are cunning at luring partners back into relationships. Often what happens is they are on their best behaviour for a short time when you go back to them but soon their old patterns emerge.

The part about sitting outside your house is creepy. Please be very careful. My ex stalked me and also had his friends involved. He also called me many times. I ended up changing my phone number. If you feel threatened or he does threaten you don't hesitate to call the police. Or you could go to your local community police station and tell them he is sitting outside your home. They may come up with suggestions or if they are decent enough maybe they will patrol more around your street.

I don't know if you live by yourself. If so is there anyone you can stay with temporarily? Safety in numbers.

Also if you do live by yourself and are comfortable with your neighbours you could let them know you are experiencing some difficulties with your bf, exbf so they are aware and phone the police or call someone if a situation arises.

I'm not trying to scare you by saying this. When you are going out whether to school, work, socializing etc have a safety plan. Phone friends or family and say where you are going and approximate time you will arrive. When you arrive at your destination you could phone to let them know.

Please keep us updated.
Were here for you.


 
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Why are you with him? If you're not happy, get out of this relationship. And if you need help I would try going to someone close to you like a family member or friend. Sorry you are going through this, I hope you get out of this soon so you can be a lot happier and enjoy your life.

 

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