Trust Issue

[lilyelement]

Sorry for the wall of text. /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />

I met this awesome guy in 2002 and we became friends but lost touch after high school until we found one another on facebook. We started dating and then we moved in together. We've been dating for a year and a half now and for the most part we are happy. We have lived together for probably a year now as well.

Probably 6 months ago he started going to lunch with a girl at his work. He started telling me what they talked about at lunch and he told me that all she talks about is her sex life in great detail and that she asks him about his. She knew he was dating someone and still talked about it during their lunch breaks. This happened 4-5 times and he told me about it each time. I remained silent even though it bothered me.

She quits the company, and moves 2-3 hours away. She sends him random text messages and he hides them from me. A month goes by and she contacts him to see if he wants to go to lunch with her since she is in town. He agrees and does not tell me. I find out he is hiding the lunch from me, because he slipped and mentioned it to his friend on the phone while I was in the same room. We argue and I tell him that I am uncomfortable with her, and that most girls will not sit there talking about sex and asking how your sex life is. He cancels lunch with her but still texts her for the next few months. The only reason I know this is because he gets a text and hides the screen from me ONLY when it is her.

Last weekend I find out he has a lunch with a friend set up for Saturday. He told his best friend that he couldn't come over until a certain time because he had lunch plans with a friend. The only time he doesn't tell me stuff is when he is trying to hide it. I get kind of distant and he asks me what is wrong and I ask him who he is going to lunch with. He says that he didn't want to tell me because he knew I would get upset and that she is just a friend. I get upset and tell him that he shouldn't hide things from me, because that makes me think there is something to hide. I also mentioned that he knew I was uncomfortable with her and yet he still made plans with her. And it isn't very respectful to deliberately ignore your girlfriend's feelings. We make up and I start to not trust him as much since now I have no clue if he is "hiding" things from me so I don't get upset.

He got on facebook to show me some pictures last night that his sister posted from her trip to Vietnam. As SOON as he logs in the girl messages him and he hides it quickly.

I have no clue what to do. I've told him I'm not comfortable with her because of how she acts. I don't mind him hanging out with girls, but it bothers me when all they talk about is sex. I'm just not sure what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[jeanarick]

This is a tough situation.  My husband and I have a hard rule about having friends of the opposite sex.  I do not have close male friends and he does not have close female friends and we certainly do NOT spend time alone with members of the opposite sex.  This is out of respect for each other and our marriage.  It invites entirely too much speculation, gossip and suspicion and leads to negativity.  We both have old friends we've connected with on Facebook but NEVER hide those connections or conversations from each other. 

My husband always says, "If it talks like a duck and walks like a duck, then it must be a duck".  I'm sorry, but if he feels the need to hide this from you, then there is something to hide.  It may be that there is  more to their relationship than he is letting on or there may be more to his feeling than he is letting on.  Either way, what is it he's hiding and why?  I'm afraid if I were in your shoes he would have to make a choice, me or her.  How would he feel if you behaved the same way?  I'm sure he'd want you to end things entirely if roles were reversed.  If he wants to be single and date then he needs to make a clean break and let you know that.  If he is commited to you and your relationship then he should have no problem letting this other girl go.  Which relationship does he value most?

The hard part for you is that you love him and I'm sure you want to salvage the relationship but at what cost?  How much of yourself and your trust can you afford to lose?  The right guy for you who loves you the way you love him will put your feelings first and not risk hurting you or losing your trust.  I'm sorry if I've been too honest, I just hate to see you any more hurt than you already are.  Hope things work out for the best.  Take Care.

 

[lilyelement]

Thanks for the input jeanarick, you pretty much summed up my thoughts. The main reason I got so upset is because he was hiding it from me. I plan on talking to him tonight about this. I know he's not very experienced with dating, and we are each other's first serious relationship (he is 24, I'm 23) but I also know that he did it thinking he didn't want to upset me.

I seriously doubt that he is actually messing around. Though I'm almost certain the girl has tried something, then again he might not have understood her come on (he's kind of oblivious). It was so difficult to make him understand that I liked him, I've liked him since I met him in 2002, so he might not have known his co-worker was making goo-goo eyes.

He also hid the fact that he deleted her phone number and blocked her phone number on his phone after we fought this past weekend. (He just texted me and told me this) Guess he didn't want out of the dog house? *shrugs* I'm still talking to him tonight and telling him we can't have a relationship where he hides things from me. If he doesn't agree he can move back in with his parents.

If anyone else wants to give their input I would appreciate it as well! <3 you all!

 

[Adrienne]

Originally Posted by jeanarick /img/forum/go_quote.gif

This is a tough situation.  My husband and I have a hard rule about having friends of the opposite sex.  I do not have close male friends and he does not have close female friends and we certainly do NOT spend time alone with members of the opposite sex.  This is out of respect for each other and our marriage.  It invites entirely too much speculation, gossip and suspicion and leads to negativity.  We both have old friends we've connected with on Facebook but NEVER hide those connections or conversations from each other. 

My husband always says, "If it talks like a duck and walks like a duck, then it must be a duck".  I'm sorry, but if he feels the need to hide this from you, then there is something to hide.  It may be that there is  more to their relationship than he is letting on or there may be more to his feeling than he is letting on.  Either way, what is it he's hiding and why?  I'm afraid if I were in your shoes he would have to make a choice, me or her.  How would he feel if you behaved the same way?  I'm sure he'd want you to end things entirely if roles were reversed.  If he wants to be single and date then he needs to make a clean break and let you know that.  If he is commited to you and your relationship then he should have no problem letting this other girl go.  Which relationship does he value most?

The hard part for you is that you love him and I'm sure you want to salvage the relationship but at what cost?  How much of yourself and your trust can you afford to lose?  The right guy for you who loves you the way you love him will put your feelings first and not risk hurting you or losing your trust.  I'm sorry if I've been too honest, I just hate to see you any more hurt than you already are.  Hope things work out for the best.  Take Care.

My husband and I have the exact same rule. I know some couples are okay with having close friends of the opposite sex but we're not. All relationships start of as friendships and technically my spouse is my best friend and more than that, he's my partner for life. Acquantices are fine by me. However, I have absolutely no guys that I text or talk to on the phone.  My husband is the same way with women.  In my mind, why take the risk?  Why leave it to chance? Yes, we said our vows years ago but we are both human and temptations occur.

One thing I do know for a fact is that relearning to trust someone is one of the hardest things in the world to do. You always have the nagging feeling and it'll be even harder if your boyfriend is doing nothing to give you any assurances. How come he doesn't invite you to meet her? He clearly knows your discomfort with his friend so he should be willing to prove there is nothing going on but instead he keeps hiding it.

My rule is if you have to hide it from your significant other you're doing something you shouldn't be doing. If you can't do it in front of your significant other, then it's not right. A good solid relationship is based on transparency, there are no hurtful secrets.

 

[Karren]

One thing I do know for a fact is that relearning to trust someone is one of the hardest things in the world to do. You always have the nagging feeling and it'll be even harder if your boyfriend is doing nothing to give you any assurances. How come he doesn't invite you to meet her? He clearly knows your discomfort with his friend so he should be willing to prove there is nothing going on but instead he keeps hiding it.

I can attest to that! Hiding my "hobby" from my wife was a mistake and when she eventually found out...... I fear I'll never regain the trust we had before that day... I'm my mind not telling someone something that would hurt them wasn't lying. I still hide things. Because she doesn't want to know... But your going to have a hard time ever fully trusting him again... Imho.

 

[lilyelement]

Originally Posted by Adrienne /img/forum/go_quote.gif

My husband and I have the exact same rule. I know some couples are okay with having close friends of the opposite sex but we're not. All relationships start of as friendships and technically my spouse is my best friend and more than that, he's my partner for life. Acquantices are fine by me. However, I have absolutely no guys that I text or talk to on the phone.  My husband is the same way with women.  In my mind, why take the risk?  Why leave it to chance? Yes, we said our vows years ago but we are both human and temptations occur.

One thing I do know for a fact is that relearning to trust someone is one of the hardest things in the world to do. You always have the nagging feeling and it'll be even harder if your boyfriend is doing nothing to give you any assurances. How come he doesn't invite you to meet her? He clearly knows your discomfort with his friend so he should be willing to prove there is nothing going on but instead he keeps hiding it.

My rule is you have to hide it from your significant other you're doing something you shouldn't be doing. If you can't do it in front of your significant other, then it's not right. A good solid relationship is based on transparency, there are no hurtful secrets.

Believe me, I've been wondering that myself. I bet it didn't even cross his mind to invite me to go with him.

I'm going to have to talk to him about being honest with me even if he thinks it will upset me. It upsets me a lot more that he thinks he should hide things, which in turn causes me to doubt him.

@Karren - I think you're right, he went to help his dad and the first thing that popped into my mind was "I wonder if he's lying". /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />

Most definitely need to sit down with him and clear the air. Doubt he'll like that, but he's going to have to if he wants to be in a relationship.

 

[Adrienne]

Originally Posted by Karren /img/forum/go_quote.gif
 
I'm my mind not telling someone something that would hurt them wasn't lying. I still hide things. Because she doesn't want to know...  

I can understand hiding some things to avoid hurting someone but it has been my experience that it's much harder to deal with if something comes out years later than if it had been dealt with upfront, mainly bc you look back and wonder, "What else did they hide?" "Why wasn't I worth the truth?" It can literally make you paranoid about every moment you spent together and that's a hard thing to erase.

 

[divadoll]

Not only woud I bel asking those questions, I'd also ask 'why did he not trust me enough to know that I'd understand?'  I think its a double whammy.  

Originally Posted by Adrienne /img/forum/go_quote.gif



I can understand hiding some things to avoid hurting someone but it has been my experience that it's much harder to deal with if something comes out years later than if it had been dealt with upfront, mainly bc you look back and wonder, "What else did they hide?" "Why wasn't I worth the truth?" It can literally make you paranoid about every moment you spent together and that's a hard thing to erase.

 

[ciaobella9821]

So this is just my input...  He did delete her number and blocked her, and then told you about it later on?  My boyfriend did a similar thing, not entirely but I did not trust his ex, who will randomly send him an email about her needing to get an abortion, her boyfriend is in jail, she was bakeracted, she crashed her car, she wants him to go to NA meetings with her... yeah not a good influence.  They havent been dating for 6 years now (him and I have been dating for 3) but I just dont feel comfortable that they still chat, mostly her to him but still.  After a couple months of us dating, she adds him on facebook and starts commenting on his stuff.  I tell him I do not like that and it made me upset.  After a couple months, I forget why but I got upset again about her, and he told me that he had told her not to write on his facebook after that first time.  He didnt tell me about it when he did tell her because he didnt think it was a big deal and just wanted to make it so that I wouldnt get upset.  I thought it was so sweet of him to ask her not to write on his facebook for me but did not use it as a way to get on my good side, type of thing.  If your boyfriend did delete and block her number, but didnt tell you about it when he first did it, then I think that does show that he really does care about you, and probably is just unsure of how to handle the situation.  You are completely right to not be comfortable about this girl, but at least he did tell you about it at first, and since you got upset, he stopped telling you.  He may have had the best intentions but really did not understand the full extent of what you felt.  I hope everything works out and you two can have a good conversation about this, because I agree, you need to talk to him soon about it since it is so important to you.  I bet he just does not really understand what he is supposed to do, since you did say it is your first relationships, so its best to be straight with him and dont hold any of your feelings back.
 

Originally Posted by lilyelement /img/forum/go_quote.gif


He also hid the fact that he deleted her phone number and blocked her phone number on his phone after we fought this past weekend. (He just texted me and told me this) Guess he didn't want out of the dog house? *shrugs* I'm still talking to him tonight and telling him we can't have a relationship where he hides things from me. If he doesn't agree he can move back in with his parents.

If anyone else wants to give their input I would appreciate it as well! <3 you all!