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I just got a phone call from my mother. My mother and I talk about every day, but we spend a lot of the time fighting and I spend a lot of the time furious at her. Just because all my life I've never, ever been good enough.
I got in trouble my senior year because I made a B in Calculus-- because I screwed up when my mom was in ICU dying. She got mad at me for it. I started having seizures then. Because I was so stressed and when she was all better it became all about how I made a B.
Anything 95 or below wasn't good enough. Wearing my hair in a ponytail wasn't good enough, why didn't I style it and wear it down? My make-up wasn't good enough, I had a ring of make-up around my face sometimes, why did I always have to rush things? Why couldn't I lose weight?
I would be screamed and yelled at. Horrible things. I've never quite forgiven her for telling me (just this past year in fact) that I did nothing but disappoint her. All I was was a disappointment.
I busted my ass for years. Years. I'll be 22 this October and I can count on one hand the times she's really told me she was proud of me or that she loved me.
I developed anorexia because she was always on about my weight. When they discovered that and got ashamed of me and made me eat, it turned to bulimia. I overdosed on aspirin and ****ed my heart up because I wasn't good enough. I have scars up and down my damn arms because I wasn't good enough.
And then she calls today. And says, "[My little sister] got her test scores back and they're all average or below. And it's not because she's not smart, she is, it's because she works too slow. And I realized that if it had been you I would have yelled and screamed at you and grounded you. Because you had to prove yourself to me over and over again not because YOU were insecure but because I was."
"And I just want you to know I realize that. And that you've done enough. I realize what I did. You don't have to prove anything so just do your best-- I realize all this now."
What the hell? I am so angry. Why did it take her so long? I'm so relieved too though, almost 22 years and I'm finally good enough? I don't know what to think or do right now at all. I'm angry and relieved and sad all at the same time and I know I should be happy she finally realized it but I just can't be right now. It took her so long. I don't know if I should even forgive her or try to move on. The damage is done. It's been done. I'm on so many psychiatric meds I can't even keep them straight half the time. I just want to be good enough and even though she says I am now I still don't feel like it at all.
I don't know what to do now.
I got in trouble my senior year because I made a B in Calculus-- because I screwed up when my mom was in ICU dying. She got mad at me for it. I started having seizures then. Because I was so stressed and when she was all better it became all about how I made a B.
Anything 95 or below wasn't good enough. Wearing my hair in a ponytail wasn't good enough, why didn't I style it and wear it down? My make-up wasn't good enough, I had a ring of make-up around my face sometimes, why did I always have to rush things? Why couldn't I lose weight?
I would be screamed and yelled at. Horrible things. I've never quite forgiven her for telling me (just this past year in fact) that I did nothing but disappoint her. All I was was a disappointment.
I busted my ass for years. Years. I'll be 22 this October and I can count on one hand the times she's really told me she was proud of me or that she loved me.
I developed anorexia because she was always on about my weight. When they discovered that and got ashamed of me and made me eat, it turned to bulimia. I overdosed on aspirin and ****ed my heart up because I wasn't good enough. I have scars up and down my damn arms because I wasn't good enough.
And then she calls today. And says, "[My little sister] got her test scores back and they're all average or below. And it's not because she's not smart, she is, it's because she works too slow. And I realized that if it had been you I would have yelled and screamed at you and grounded you. Because you had to prove yourself to me over and over again not because YOU were insecure but because I was."
"And I just want you to know I realize that. And that you've done enough. I realize what I did. You don't have to prove anything so just do your best-- I realize all this now."
What the hell? I am so angry. Why did it take her so long? I'm so relieved too though, almost 22 years and I'm finally good enough? I don't know what to think or do right now at all. I'm angry and relieved and sad all at the same time and I know I should be happy she finally realized it but I just can't be right now. It took her so long. I don't know if I should even forgive her or try to move on. The damage is done. It's been done. I'm on so many psychiatric meds I can't even keep them straight half the time. I just want to be good enough and even though she says I am now I still don't feel like it at all.
I don't know what to do now.