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beautygroove

Living with future husband's family

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My boyfriend and I have been together for a little bit over two years. We're at the point where we are talking about marriage and future. So he's a big momma's boy and insists that I live with his parents after we get married (we're not getting married at least another few years). I don't want this at all. His excuse is that he is the only child and his parents may need help. I don't want him to abandon them of course but they aren't that old yet...and he needs to start his own family.  I can already see so many problems with this. No privacy, independence, constant interference. The list goes on. I know that I won't be happy. 

 

His mother seems very controlling of him as well. When I come over for dinner and say something to him, she looks over immediately. It could be as simple as, "Have you studied for your test tomorrow?" We're Asian and they are traditional and very old-fashioned. Anyway, we can live close by but I don't want to live under the same roof as them. I'm eventually buying my own house later on and don't plan on moving in with them or have them move in with us after marriage. I also asked him, what if my job requires me to relocate? What then? And he responds with, "then you find another job". This doesn't sound very supportive to me.

 

Why can't he understand from my point of view. What do you think? Am I being selfish to want to start a family my own way...?

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Living with them could put you in a weird spot. I don't think I could personally handle it. He's an adult and has to get over the fact that he isn't going to be able to wait on his parents every second of the day. They make assisted living and those people are able to help them any time of the day and are trained to know what to do if something happens. If you and your bf/husband have an argument then you'll have the parents wanting to give input. I'd just say try to live close rather than together. You need to decide what you're gonna do before the time comes. I hope this helps.

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Living with them could put you in a weird spot. I don't think I could personally handle it. He's an adult and has to get over the fact that he isn't going to be able to wait on his parents every second of the day. They make assisted living and those people are able to help them any time of the day and are trained to know what to do if something happens. If you and your bf/husband have an argument then you'll have the parents wanting to give input. I'd just say try to live close rather than together. You need to decide what you're gonna do before the time comes. I hope this helps.

Thank you. Putting my parents or his parents in a home is definitely not an option. I don't mind having them move in when they're older, and needs help. But his parents are young and working so that's the thing.

His mom has already stated that she wants her daughter in law to move in.

I've reconsidering the relationship sine this is just one of the many complicated issues.

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Honestly that seems like the kind of thing that might be a dealbreaker for many people.  I think this is a situation where your instincts are telling you that you would be miserable moving in with them.  To answer whether you think you are being selfish, I really don't think you are at all.  This situation would impact almost every single aspect of your life and it seems like you know you wouldn't be happy. 

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Thank you. Putting my parents or his parents in a home is definitely not an option. I don't mind having them move in when they're older, and needs help. But his parents are young and working so that's the thing.

His mom has already stated that she wants her daughter in law to move in.

I've reconsidering the relationship sine this is just one of the many complicated issues.

I wasn't implying you should just put them in assisted living unless it was safer for them. I just meant you can't live your life caring for them all the time, you gotta have your fun too. I love my mother in law, but I don't know if I'd move in with her. And I think my husband feels the same about my parents. Things are different when you live under the same roof.

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He's asking a lot of you, especially if you're on your way to buying a home and money isn't the reason for living with his parents. I'm an only child too and I kind of get that feeling of obligation toward his parents, but it isn't fair to burden your partner with it too. It sounds like he's pretty traditional in more ways than one and you might have to consider how that will impact your life with him down the road.

You can always make that, instead of living with them temporarily while they are young and healthy, you two can buy a house near them and have permanent access when they really need it.

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My boyfriend and I have been together for a little bit over two years. We're at the point where we are talking about marriage and future. So he's a big momma's boy and insists that I live with his parents after we get married (we're not getting married at least another few years). I don't want this at all. His excuse is that he is the only child and his parents may need help. I don't want him to abandon them of course but they aren't that old yet...and he needs to start his own family.  I can already see so many problems with this. No privacy, independence, constant interference. The list goes on. I know that I won't be happy. 
 
His mother seems very controlling of him as well. When I come over for dinner and say something to him, she looks over immediately. It could be as simple as, "Have you studied for your test tomorrow?" We're Asian and they are traditional and very old-fashioned. Anyway, we can live close by but I don't want to live under the same roof as them. I'm eventually buying my own house later on and don't plan on moving in with them or have them move in with us after marriage. I also asked him, what if my job requires me to relocate? What then? And he responds with, "then you find another job". This doesn't sound very supportive to me.
 
Why can't he understand from my point of view. What do you think? Am I being selfish to want to start a family my own way...?

 

 What have you got yourself into. You need to give him an ultimatum.  If he chose to live with his parents than he is not a man.  How old is this guy?  He sounds very immature.  Personally I wouldn't have ended this long ago it sounds crazy.   If you as so set on this guy why don't you get a place in the same town as his family. Your not selfish  he is.  Hope you move on the sooner you do the faster you can find someone who is there for you.

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