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Liz

10 of Daddy's Rules for Dating

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Guys: Pay attention and be scared because this is what daddy really yhinks.

Girls: Feel loved because this is what daddy really thinks.

 

Rule 1:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing the "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex with my daughter, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

 

Rule 2:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.

 

Rule 3:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off thier hips.PLease don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants fifteen sizes too big, and I will not object. However in order to ensure that your clothes do not infact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers secruely to your waist.

 

Rule 4:

If you pull into my driveway and honk, you better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

 

Rule 5:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know eachother, we should talk about sports, politicsm and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early".

 

Rule 6:

I have no doubt that you are a popluar fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is ok with my daughter, Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I'll nake you cry.

 

Rule 7:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you shouldn't be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just sitting there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my pick-up?

 

Rule 8:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.

Places where there is darkness.

Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.

Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter wearing shorts, tank tops, midriff shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweatwe, and a goose down parka zipped up to her neck.

Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies that feature chainsaws are ok. Hockey games are ok; old folks homes are ok.

 

Rule 9:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all knowing, merciless God of the universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whome, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Don't trifile with me.

 

Rule 10:

Be afraid... be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a field in Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring in my daughter home. As soon as you pull into my driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain site. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camofluaged face in the window is mine.

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lol ... my dad always said he wanted to be sitting on the front porch cleaning his shotgun whenever any potential boyfriends came over!

 

(Fortunately my dad approved of all -- er, both -- of the guys I dated, lol)

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