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Light Bulb Jokes - Somethin' for Everyone

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How many physicists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but 600 applied for the job.

 

How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

 

How many quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb?

They can't. When they get the socket to hold still, they can't find it.

 

How many NASA technicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Seventy, and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally get around to it the weather's bad so they postpone it till next week. Then Congress cuts the funding.

 

How many Microsoft employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1. None, they declare darkness a new standard.

2. One, but you have to go to the "Unscrew lightbulb" menu to do it.

 

How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. That's a hardware problem.

 

How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.

 

How many supply-siders does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1. If the government would just leave it alone, it screw itself in.

2. None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

 

How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?

I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

 

How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?

This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...

 

How many support staff people does it take to change a light bulb?

We have an exact copy of the light bulb here and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? O.K.. Just exactly how dark is it? O.K.. There could be four or five things wrong. Have you tried the light switch?

 

How many administrative assistants does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but I can't do anything unless you complete a light bulb design change request form.

 

How many managers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to get the bulb and one to call the subordinate who’s actually going to change the thing.

 

How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a light bulb?

We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days, but if you call before 2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.

 

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

How many can you afford?

 

How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

 

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But he has to do it while you're eating dinner.

 

How many road workmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Five, one to change the light bulb and four to lean on their shovels and watch the one working.

 

How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?

About one third less than for a regular bulb.

 

How many public opinion researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

With what degree of certainty do you need to know?

 

How many Floridians does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. They're still counting!

 

How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

 

How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.

 

How many Neo-Conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1. As many as necessary to be able to see what you're doing in the privacy of your own home.

2. Neo-Conservatives prefer to leave you in the dark.

 

How many Conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, if only the government would leave them allow so they can do it.

 

How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

That's not funny!!!

 

How many politically correct people does it take to change a light bulb?

1. None. Why should we impose our values on the light bulb? If it wishes to be a light bulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness and individuality.

2. None. Politically correct people do not change light bulbs. They ban light bulb jokes.

 

How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

There never was a light bulb.

 

How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

 

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter.

 

How many armies does it take to change a light bulb?

At least six: the Germans to start it; the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while; the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then run away; the English to stand firm back home but not get anywhere near the bulb; the Americans to turn up late, finish it off and take all the credit; and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.

 

How many government workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that’s been cut from the budget.

 

How many professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, but they get three papers out of it.

 

How many grad students does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but it’s the kind of light bulb his dissertation supervisor wanted him to change, not the one that needs changing.

 

How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Both of them.

 

How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it in and the other to say ``Fabulous.''

 

How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.

 

How many gay rights activists does it take to change a light bulb?

None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it.

 

How many homophobes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1. It obviously has to be done by just one. They don't screw with other men.

2. Two, but God intended for one of them to be a man and the other to be a woman.

 

How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.

 

How many Victorians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We do not discuss such things with ladies and children present.

 

How many sado-masochists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair out from under him.

 

How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb ?

Four.

Why four ?

IT JUST DOES, OK ?!?!?!

 

How many Real Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1. None. Real Men aren’t afraid to sit in the dark.

2. None. Real Men replace the whole lighting fixture.

 

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

 

How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Never mind that -- let me tell you about MY light bulb.

 

How many proofreaders does it take to change a light bulb?

Proofreaders aren't supposed to change light bulbs. They should just query them.

 

How many lexicographers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to protest that he should have changed it to "lightbulb".

 

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?

1. Hmmm... well, there's an interesting question isn't it?

2. Define "light bulb".....

3. Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the light bulb exists.

 

How many Heraclitians does it take to change a light bulb?

It doesn't matter; the light bulbs are always changing.

 

How many Platonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They don't change bulbs, they have nice fires in their caves and if they need light they go out and look at the sun.

 

How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?

There is nothing to change.

 

How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sod it, we're all gonna die anyway.

 

How many Doctor McCoys does it take to change a lightbulb?

"Damn it, Jim; I'm a DOCTOR, not an electrician!"

 

How many Trekkers does it take to change a light bulb ?

Okay, so, y'know, like, in that episode where Spock gets attacked by those vomit-looking things, and, like, he starts doing weird stuff, like, hetakes over the ship and it gets Kirk really mad, so they find out that they can use this super-bright light, but it was bogus, 'cause McCoy usedthe wrong kind of light, and it makes Spock blind ,so, like......what kind of light bulb are you talking about ?

 

How many HORTAS does it take to change a light bulb?

NO CHANGE I

 

How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?

Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.

 

How many people in Star Trek: The Next Generation does it take to screw a light bulb?

A: Nine.

(A light bulb in the bridge dies.)

Riker : GEORDI--WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

Picard: Someone remove the light bulb. Conference!

(In the Conference room.)

Troi : (putting her hand on the dead bulb) I feel... pain.

Worf : The bulb is useless now, Captain. Let me dispose of it. (unholsters phaser and adjusts it to "obliterate"setting)

Data (thinking about what Worf said): Captain, if I were to become non-functional like this bulb, would I receive a regular burial or would I be disposed of like...

Picard: We don't have the time to discuss that now, Data. Hold your fire, Mr. Worf. Where is Mr. LaForge?

Geordi (stepping into the room): Here, Captain. I'm afraid we're out of light bulbs. Who needs light anyway? With my VISOR, I can clearly see despite the absence of visible light.

Bev : I can surgically remove everyone's eyes and outfit us all with VISORs...

Wes : No way, Mom. Wait! I got it! I'll build us a positronic krigga-wave-condensing incandescent light generator!

Riker : Excellent, Wes. BTW, WHAT THE HELL are you doing in this meeting? This is for senior officers only! Worf, put Ensign Crusher in the brig!

Worf (to Wes, grinning): You will walk or I will carry you!

Bev : You're not touching my son!

(Everyone lurches. Outside, two Borg ships begin attacking the Enterprise. Everyone rushes to the bridge. Q suddenly appears on the bridge.)

Picard: Q! End this!

Q : Temper temper, mon capitain. Can't you humans take a joke? (snaps fingers; Borg ships disappear.)

Picard: I didn't mean the Borg ships -- I meant the light bulb!

Q : Oh. Sorry (snaps fingers again -- bulb is restored). Until next time! (flash of light--Q disappears.)

Picard (hands restored bulb to Wes): Prepare to screw light bulb.

Wes : Aye, Captain (holds bulb in position over bulb socket)

Picard: Engage!

 

How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.

 

How many theater lighting technicians does it take to change a light bulb?

LAMP!!! It's called a LAMP, you idiot!

 

How many stage managers does it take to screw in a ...

Done.

 

How many roadies does it take to change a light bulb?

One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

 

How many music critics does it take to change a light bulb?

Music critics don't know how, but rest assured they'll find something wrong with the way you do it.

 

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.

 

How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty! (Well actually one, the other nineteen just stand around saying, "Yeah, I can do that")

 

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The piano player can do it with his left hand.

 

How many oboists does it take it to change a light bulb?

1. One, but by the time he gets done shaving the tip, you won't need it.

2. One, but he'll have to make the light bulb himself.

3. Just one, but if he's not around, the soprano sax player will do it.

 

How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but then again, who's really watching?

 

How may Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first.

 

How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

Two - one to change the light bulb, and one to sue the original light bulb manufacturer for pain and suffering for having to change the light bulb, compensation for lost light, and to set a new legal precedent requiring light bulb manufacturers to state clearly on the packaging that light bulbs may require replacing and that the manufacturer is in no way responsible for lost wages or any other consequential damages as allowed by law.

 

How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but he has to see an American do it first.

 

How many Ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one and its really easy too, they hold it up and the world revolves around them.

 

How many Chaos magicians does it take?

They don't need to--they are used to working in the dark.

 

How many Pagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that lightbulbs never burned out before those Christians came along.

 

How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?

Change a what?

 

How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?

101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too.

 

How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has got to really want to change.

 

How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder.

 

How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?

Just what exactly do you mean by that?

 

How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The bulb isn't bright enough.

 

One.

How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?

 

How many military information officers does it take to change a light bulb?

At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.

 

How many roaches does it take to screw in a light bulb?

No one knows, ‘cause when the light comes on they scatter.

 

How many football players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

The entire team. And they get a semester’s credit for it.

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