My family hates his mom...

[MacForMe]

I know that there isn't anything I can do about this. I'm just overwhelmed I suppose. Ken & his mom were invited to my sisters for thanksgiving dinner. This is the first time my familiy will be meeting her. Ken said he was a little nervous about it, but didn't really specify why. Both the "moms" meeting is never comfortable anyway. His mom is a nice lady all of the 3 times i've met her. I didn't see a problem coming. My sister has a 4 year old that can be a little wild, but what 4 year old isn't from time to time? Well, I thought all had gone well. but at dessert my sister rushed everyone out. I didn't know if her son got on her nerves or what. Things seemed "ok"... Then this past thursday night, my mom calls. First it was idle chit-chat and then she brought up christmas, which we are having on sunday instead of monday cuz my sisters husband is working. The next thing I know, my mom is yelling how that crazy b*tch is not welcome! HUH? She goes on to tell me that the reason my sister rushed us out what she couldn't take Ken's moms barbs anymore. I listened for a while then decided to call my sister and see what really happened and WHY am I hearing this 3 weeks later? My sister tells me that while her son was running around, Ken's mom told her to "smack that kid and get him in control, or maybe you just need Super Nanny".. :10: .. Maur said that during the entire time, If I wasn't around, she's make these snotty remarks! I know she did it.. She also told Ken "this kid is louder then my brothers 2 kids put together".. oy.. and yes my sister heard that too. This is the FIRST TIME this woman has met my family. I would never go to someones house and try to tell them how to raise their kid. She had no idea if the child is special needs or anything. She did know that my sister had a child.. so she WAS aware before she got there. Come on, he's FOUR years old! Holidays are very exciting! My sister said that she rushed us out because she wasn't going to let someone she just met make her cry in her own house.

I can't believe it. I know it happened.. I talked to ken about it and he said it was one reason he was worried about the whole meeting. But he had HOPED that since he told his mom about the kid, that there wouldn't be any problems. Things were FINE for the first half an hour.. no one knows what happened. We think she might have been overwhelmed or whatever, but she just made this dumb comments.. Ken was washing the dishes and my sister came in to help, his mom tells her how nice of her to come in when things are almost done..uhhh, yeah..

Now she is NO longer welcome. My mom said this woman will NEVER cross her path again. Ken and I are really wanting to get married too, this makes for an uncomfortable reception!!!

 

[emily_3383]

oh man i dont know what to say but she shouldnt have made those comments about the chilld. Yeah its annoying when kids are wild but it is not her house and if she didnt like it she should have just left.

 

[dentaldee]

I think she may have been a bit out of line making comments when she hardly knows them.........and in turn your sister should have had her child under control, it's only polite. Neither your sister nor your mother in law had manners. but I also think your mom and sister have blown things out of proportion. maybe this is an eye opener for your sister the set some boundaries for her son.

 

[MacForMe]

See the thing was, he really *wasn't* out of control. He was having fun! Playing with the dog, singing and carrying on. No more then any other 4 year old would be doing. Plus he was the only child there.. thats another thing i forgot to mention in my post. I would think out of control would be thowing tantrums, screaming and crying or throwing food etc. None of that was he doing. He was being a normal kid, granted, he was excited, but no more then any other child would be. he doesn't get to see grandma or me too often because of the distance, about an hour's drive.

My mom always said, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. She had NO Clue if my nephew was a special needs child or anything..

Em, I so agree. She should have left. And she KNEW that my sister had a child. David was NOT "out of control" in a real sense, in her opinion maybe, but not in reality ala Super Nanny. He was acting like a normal excited 4 year old boy. NO tantrums, or throwing things..

I dont get it. i guess she expected this boy to be sitting in a corner and not saying a word..

Either way, I think that she should have kept her yap shut. This is the FIRST time she has met any of my family, my sister opened her home and did eveything she could to make this woman comfortable and feel welcome. I dont think you go into someones house and start telling them how to raise their kids. She could have left.. she came up in her own car too!

 

[VenusGoddess]

Well, that sucks. But, out of control is singing as loudly as you can while the adults are trying to talk...constantly interrupting conversations...that's just as out of control as a tantruming child. But, its hard when there is all adults and only one child.

I've been over at my husband's cousins house (they have 5 kids...monsters...). They were running, screaming (excitedly), being so loud that the adults could barely carry a conversation. I turned around and told them to knock it off and if they continued to behave this way, I would put them all in time out. It was fine after that...so, just because the kids aren't crabby and throwing a tantrum doesn't mean that they are "under control". There is a way for them to have fun...on a less ear shattering decible...than some people let their kids do. When they come to my house, they can play and have fun...but they are not allowed to scream, whatever, in the house. Its only respectful to the other guests.

As for the whole not inviting his mom, again, thing...you all need to sit down and discuss, calmly, the situation. Both with your family and with his mom. It could be that your mom's idea of "being funny" does not jive with his mom's (the kitchen comment). It could be that your sister is being overly-sensitive about not having control of her child...

But, I would definitely say that a sit down is in order. And, if they cannot be "friends" then they need to find a peaceful middle ground to co-exist being that you and your SO are wanting to get married. They don't have to love each other, but they do need to find a way to be civil towards each other at gatherings (like the reception).

Good luck.

 

[han]

i think kens mom was out of line it's not her place to tell your sister how to discipline her child, and special needs or not a 2-4 year old kid will be hyper and out of control some more than others, maybe ken can talk or even you to his mother and tell her how she upset your family maybe she can apologize and if you get married tell her you love for her to come but that's your day and you will not tolerate any drama and if she doesnt have anything nice to say keep her negative "thoughts" and comments to her self or she wont be invited to special events.. sorry girl i know it suxs when inlaws or family dont get along and your in the middle!! and NO your sister did nothing wrong for letting her child be a kid

 

[ivette]

when my guy friend got married for the first time ( they're divorced now), mothers had separate receptions because they did not get along. i felt bad, but i would have put my foot down in that situation and said, one reception-

Or Else me and my other half will elope.

of course, i did not tell my friend this, because it was not my place.

i have a very low tolerance for people like that

 

[jennycateyez]

wow imo that woman souldn't had said anything it wasnt her place to. if it bothered her so much MAYBE she could of said something to ur sister but then again i wouldnt have that either escp in my house. sorry to hear that.

 

[emily_3383]

two receptions?? omg thats just terrible they couldnt just deal with eachother for one day? wow.

 

[Dragonfly]

Is this the first time someone was critical of your sister's parenting skills?

When my son (now 13) was a toddler, I had a few older women try to tell me how to raise my child. I would ask them if they had raised a child - of course they had. Then I told them that this is my opportunity to raise a child and I don't need any help. Shut them up pretty quick.

I've had fights with my mom over my son, and I have to stand my ground or else my mom would try to take control.

Bottom line, your sister needs to put boundaries up when someone gets critical.

It is pretty clear that your family has rejected your fiance's mother. In my opinion, they have over reacted. But non the less, to keep the peace, keep his mom separate from your family on day to day stuff.

But as far as the wedding is concerned, invite his mom to the wedding. If your family doesn't like this, then they can cancel. But for you not to invite his mom is a huge mistake and you will forever be paying for that decision.

Is it possible that your family doesn't like your fiance, or feel he is not right for you, and they are using his mom as a catalyist to sabotaging the wedding?

 

[Cool Kitten]

cyw1- you're so right!!!!

MacForMe, you really cannot not invite her to the wedding, put yourself in her place- what if you have a son and his future fiancee's family decides that they don't like you?

No matter what she's still his mother, and always will be.

The simplest solution is not to invite her to your family's functions- keep them separate. Split the holidays between them, or figure out another way, but don't snub her- remember, what goes around comes around. Some day you might find yourself in her shoes.

 

[monniej]

cook kitten, i couldn't agree with you more! very, well said!

wow! very heavy stuff, but everything you said should be considered! great points!

if you love your fiance try your best to get along with his mom! she's the only mother he has and not trying to make it work could be a deal breaker! jmho~

 

[Aquilah]

I believe CYW, Ella and Angela all made pretty valid points. It's a hard situation either way you look at it, but the fact still remains, she shouldn't have said anything as it wasn't her place at all!

 

[Cool Kitten]

sadly we can't control what comes out other's people's mouths :laughing:

Another point to make- maybe to her the kid did seem undisciplined, who knows? I get sensitive when someone says something bad about my niece, doesn't mean they're wrong and i'm right. The only thing that can be done now is damage control.

For the record, my Mom absolutely hated my MIL (and probably still does) but i basically told her that while she might not like her she's still my husband's mother, and i will do my best to tolerate her quirks and oddities because i will never presume to cut her out of our lives. I simply don't bring my parents and his together, and that's that.

 

[MacForMe]

Well, Thanks guys! Alot of good points. David (the child) wasn't really doing anything that is abnormal. The adults weren't "in conversation" at all, if anything, we were all in the kitchen cooking, prepping etc.. Its so hard to convey the total picture. This woman, by the way, lives below a family who' children are completly undisciplined. I have no kids, and can be short on patience, when David is out of line. .i say something. But this time? no.. like Han said he's 4!!! No one has ever said anything to my knowledge about David being wild before.. we've had 4 years now of holidays..

I think the biggest issue is, no matter what, when you are meeting someone for the first time, they open their homes to you, offer you a place at their table etc, and you KNEW that there was a child in the home, you can't criticize. Its not your house, not your place and not for nothing, he was more or less downstairs in the play room for a majority of the time, singing is not screeching at the top of his lungs.. My sister does discipline him. But I guess it comes down too opinion.. What SHE thinks is out of control, but not be by someone else's standards.. You still dont' tell someone to smack their kid.. I hope my family will calm down. I would NEVER walk into someone's home and criticize them over ANYTHING... i'd keep my mouth shut.. Even the nasty remarks she made when she thought my sister was out of earshot? Out of line..

 

[pinkbundles]

yikes! talk about major issues there (especially since you guys want to get married someday).

while it may make things more challenging and difficult, you can't let the behaviours of family members run the course of your life. the only thing you can ask of them is to be civilized (if they are ever in the same place, room, etc. again)...meaning, they don't have to talk to eachother, but at least be respectful - no snide or snotty remarks or dirty looks. and hope for the best.

 

[StrangerNMist]

Now that's just something someone should not do on the first day of meeting someone else's family. I don't blame them for getting ticked, because that is way out of line for someone to just out and out say those sort of things - ESPECIALLY don't know the people!

Plus, all those nasty comments made about others are also way out of line. I'm sorry, but this woman is seriously lacking in the manners department. She needs to know that she's crossed the boundaries, and that you and your family are not going to put up with it.

Well, in lieu of your situation, I offer *Bear Hugz* to you and your family for having to put up with such an atrocious woman.