Losing a parent

How do you deal with it? & how do you get up again and be okay? How long does it take?

First off, I am sorry to hear about your loss (if it is yours you are speaking of), and I just want you to know that even if you feel the pain is almost unbearable right now that with time it will get better.

Whenever I experience a loss of someone so close to my heart I tend to do the following: 1. cry whenever I need to, 2. surround myself with as many friends as possible, 3. cherish the memories of the person I've lost, 4. talk about it, really vent if I need to, 4. be patient with time (each person is unique; for some it takes a month to heal and for others even a few years).

*Hugs* *Hugs* *Hugs* Try to be strong, and know that all of us are here for you.

I'm sorry for your loss! We're most definitely here for you when you need us! Honey, there is no time frame for getting over someone and moving on. Everyone grieves differently, and there are no rules! My grandfather passed away in 1993, and it still hurts me to my core! For three years after his death I cried on my birthday, his birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and whenever else I needed to!

On the other hand, my grandmother passed a year ago almost, and I still haven't cried to this day! Do I miss her? Like crazy! But, rather than think about the condition she was in when she passed, I prefer to remember the robust, strict grandmother I had who was SO full of life! I can't even begin to allow myself to imagine the big teddy bear grandma I had who gave me HUGE bear hugs as having been only a skeleton basically when she passed!

That all being said, there is no limit to your grieving period. Cry whenever you want! Scream, yell, stomp! However you feel as though you need to release, do it! Don't NOT cry because you're afraid to! Don't NOT grieve because you think you shouldn't anymore! Don't FEEL BAD because you're still grieving! We're here sweetie! Whenever you need us to rant, rave, cry, etc!

My dad passed away in 1999. By 2001, I thought I was done grieving. But, then I had my daughter and I would find myself thinking about my dad and how much he would absolutely love Makayla. I thought I would never forget what he looked like...but now, I honestly don't remember what he looked like...but I remember who he was. It is hard in the beginning and no matter what, you will always miss your mom/dad. But, it does get better. The healing period is different for different people and no one can say that it takes x amount of years to get over it.

If the saying that it takes you 1 year of grieving/healing for every year you've known someone...you can see how it would be a life long journey. It's not always bad. There are times I'm talking with my mom about my dad and some of the stuff he did and it goes from being a tear session to one of laughter. Talking about the person is very cathartic...you remember all of the bad/negative stuff...but you also remember the positives as well.

It also helped me to remember that death is not a finality. It's the beginning of another journey and my dad is never far away from me, even if it's just his memory in my heart and mind. When you love someone, time and space have no meaning. Love is love and will be felt across the divides. Also, keep your mind open...my dad had a special nickname for me that no one else really called me...and one day, someone just "blurbed" that nickname during a conversation (and I didn't know them while my dad was alive, so they wouldn't have known the nickname)...and I just smiled because I knew it was meant for me to remember that my dad was still around, even if I couldn't see him. The same thing happened with my aunt calling me by the nickname my grandpa used to call me. It was my birthday and I was feeling sad because I missed my grandpa...and my aunt handed me the birthday card with my nickname on it and said, "I don't know why I wrote that. I didn't realize it until I had already written it." Little reminders help.

Here's a big ((((((hug)))))) from me. It's going to get better...you just need to take it one moment at a time.

(((((hug)))))

I have been lucky that I have yet to deal with this terrible situation. I came sort of close 5 years ago when my mom had emergency heart surgery. I truly thought that I was going to lose her and didn't know what I was going to do. Luckily, she made it through surgery and is doing so much better now.

I don't think that there is a certain time period. I think a lot of it depends on how close you were to your parents.

Did you just recently lose a loved one? If so, I am sorry for your loss.

i'm sorry for your loss

I am sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my Mom about 4 years ago. The one thing that kept me going was that I know my Mom would want me to be happy . Plus, I really believe that they will always be with us, watching over us to make sure we are OK.

I still have my bad days but with time my bad days will and have become fewer and fewer.

You never get over it but it does get easier so try to hang in there.

I dont think you ever get over it, but it gets easier. My dad was murdered when I was 11, yes I cried, but I was so young I blocked it out for 10 years. Wouldnt talk about him, say his name, or try to remember. Now at 28 I am fine with talking about him, I remember everything about him, his voice, his looks, his cologne. When I was about 22 I started having flashbacks and thats when I remembered. I didnt see him killed, it was just the flashbacks of people visiting us, etc. Anyways, thats not a typical story but it depends on the person and age.

Fortunately, I haven't come across this kind of tragedy in my life. But my grandmother's death was pretty close. I'm still sad when I think about her (even after almost two years), but she really was suffering. I know it's cliche, but I really feel she's in a much better place now. No more suffering. I guess you just have to accept it and let life go on and smile when you think of them.

Sorry to hear about your loss. My mother died when I was 12, back in 1993. She was 38 years old. The only thing that will help you grieve is the passage of time. Surround yourself with people you care about, and people who care about you. A support system is an absolute must during this difficult time in your life.

I'm sorry to read about your loss. There is no time frame, and it all depends how your personally and indivually heal from a trauma. Just hang in their, and it'll get better and better everyday.

sorry for your lost i too lost my dad this year but he has been sick for nine years so i saw it comeing suprise he fought as long as he did so when he did pass i had peace knowing he was not suffering no more i still have night mares of his last year of suffering and i miss him alot but that exspierence makes me apreciate life and the people i love more i dont think we ever get over loseing some one we love as time passes we learn to adjust and heal

My mom passed away when I was 9 years old and I can honestly say that I don't think I'll ever be over it. It's not like i'm this really sad thing walking around all depressed, but it has touched me in every way. I think about her at least once a day, I miss her almost all the time, but it's like this dull ache that never quite goes away, but its not unmanageable. It's not unbearable, it's just like a little touch of sadness, but you learn to deal with it and carry it and you will still have happy times, you'll just probably appreciate them more. I hope that you get through this. Just try not to let the pain of it over take you.

I lost both of my parents when I was 8. 10 years later its still something I remember but Ive just kind of decided I'm not going to let it effect my life in any kind of negative way. They wouldnt have wanted that ya know? I think the best thing you can do is let everything single emotion you have out, regardless of how long it takes. I tried not to do that for such a long time, and in the process of trying to forget their death I forgot things about them. Things that if I hadn't been so angry about them dying and leaving me I would of had to cherish about them the rest of my life.

And this is kind of OT but in some way it kind of comforts me that there is a fair number of people that have gone through this. Back when it happened and hell even recently I always felt like an odd man out in that regard.

I'm so sorry you have experienced such a terrible loss.I have not yet lost a parent to death(just to estrangement)but when I was 12, my oldest sister was murdered. She was only 16 and there were times I did not think I would live much longer than she had, I missed her so much and was so sad. I left school for a year; I had no idea anymore how to be in the world,or with myself. I felt overwhelmed by grief and anger.

One of the many worst things about death,I think, is that we have no control over it, either the death,itself, or its repurcussions throughout us, our reactions. We have no idea when we will be able to act and later feel "normally" again, and it is unbelievably upsetting. There is also a tendency to judge our own grief or to fear its own grief: telling ourselves, we are taking too "long" to get over a person's death, or imagining that other peolpe think we are.But no one,even ourselves, has a right to judge either the quanity or quality of our grief.It is all about the importance of mourning, which is part of the natural process of healing.

A good thing I had were 2 other sisters and friends,who recalled my sister well; we talked about her a lot.Someone else here said,and I completely agree,that talking about the departed one is a good form of therapy,and it also helps to keep the loved one animated for you and alive. Remember the special things, the special times,you had together: now you will have them all your life. If talking to a counselour seems an option, there are what are called "grief counselours" who work specifically in this field--working with people whose loved ones have recently died, or who still cannot get over a death.Seeing one helped me,years ago. If you are at all religous, there are also always members of your clergy with whom to talk about your loved one.

I like to think of myself as a sort of memory album/book,of my lost sister--whose pages I turn enough that she is far more of a presence in my life than an absence.And a parent--you must have a vast storage of memories,images, of them--far vaster than mine.It is possibly too early now, but later, try to remember that you are now the guardian of your parent's life,and that it is your pleasure and affection in your memories of them that allows them to remain indivisible to you, and almost as close,or as accessible, on this earth as you need them to be.

My prayers are with you & those affected by a loss.

My Dad passed away the morning of my 23rd bday in 1984. I was 5-months preg and stationed in Germany. To say that was the saddest day and longest flight of my life is an understatment. Every Dec 12th, it was hard to just get through the day. I didn't go to his burial, just could not do it. I still haven't been - just can't do it.

To this day, I don't know how my Mom made it through (I'm sure it was alot of Prayers).

Fast fwd to 2006...last week I found some letters my dad wrote me when I was in college in my Army duffel bag. Well, I cried as if he passed last week (and I'm tearing up now), so how do I deal with it?

I don't think I really have completely dealt with it. It's eased over the years but there are moments when it strikes and I cave in.

We make it through by talking about our loved ones and remembering special moments.

By being thankful that we had the chance to be part of each other's lives.

Originally Posted by Marisol I have been lucky that I have yet to deal with this terrible situation. I came sort of close 5 years ago when my mom had emergency heart surgery. I truly thought that I was going to lose her and didn't know what I was going to do. Luckily, she made it through surgery and is doing so much better now.
I don't think that there is a certain time period. I think a lot of it depends on how close you were to your parents.

Did you just recently lose a loved one? If so, I am sorry for your loss.

It will be a year begining of the next month.

Originally Posted by shockn I lost both of my parents when I was 8. 10 years later its still something I remember but Ive just kind of decided I'm not going to let it effect my life in any kind of negative way. They wouldnt have wanted that ya know? I think the best thing you can do is let everything single emotion you have out, regardless of how long it takes. I tried not to do that for such a long time, and in the process of trying to forget their death I forgot things about them. Things that if I hadn't been so angry about them dying and leaving me I would of had to cherish about them the rest of my life.
And this is kind of OT but in some way it kind of comforts me that there is a fair number of people that have gone through this. Back when it happened and hell even recently I always felt like an odd man out in that regard.

This is excatly how I am feeling. Mad and Happy and sad and u know. I been trying to block all my feeling inside. And I like ur advice not letting it effect u in any bad way.

I know that after my Grandmother passed away I had a very tough time getting over it and eventually was put on anti-depressants to help. I'm not saying that you need to run to your doctor sweetheart but just know that if it effecting your quality of life that you might consider it.

Big hugs to you and lots of love.

^ I don't believe in anti depressant pills. Its like a palcebo effect and a drug that might work or not. Its not how I want to deal with it. For me it has to internally.

Originally Posted by CuTeLiCiOuS ^ I don't believe in anti depressant pills. Its like a palcebo effect and a drug that might work or not. Its not how I want to deal with it. For me it has to internally. I understand and respect that. I'm supposed to be taking them to this day but I do not like what the side effects do to me so I treat myself my own way. I have my bad days but I have even more great days. You have my most heartfelt sympathies for your loss.