Am I Crazy?

[PeridotCricket]

When I find someone to have sex with, I will not be chasing other tail. Why am I not supposed to ask for the same courtesy and respect? I've had people tell me -- guys and girls offering dating advice -- that eventhough I tell a guy up front that I want just him and I will not be having sex with other guys, I am not supposed to ask that he does the same -- no sex with anyone else, no ******** from anyone else, etc. It's a matter of courtesy and respect for oneself and one's partner. And a lot of people don't understand that. They say it's why none of the guys I'm interested in will even give me a chance. Also, I do not want an STD. 95% of people seem to think STD's cannot be caught or transmitted from a *******. I have also been told it's not okay to ask somebody to get tested for STD's before we have sex. And they are 100% serious about it. "No, after you,ve been together a while and you're in a relationship, then you can go together and get tested." Somebody, a girl, actually said that to me when I said it's better we both get tested before rather than find out later that he had unprotected sex and has chlamydia or something. It's not like I'm a teenager, but I don't have a ton of experience with guys. It is not just about STD's, though. It's about not wanting to be with someone who doesn't respect me or care about his life or my own. I tell people that, and they act like I'm crazy.

 

[Playedinloops]

My personal opinion is that you have to give it time to develop into a monogamous relationship. You can tell them that you don't want to be with other people all you want, but unless they are ready for that commitment they won't do the same. You either need to find someone who is instantly ready for that, or wait it out. For me, its worked both ways. I've had men ask me to be exclusive when I wasn't ready and if they kept pushing it, I just broke it off completely. With other men, I've pushed the exclusivity and been dumped because they weren't ready. With my current boyfriend, I didn't push and just waited, and eventually (a loooonnng 5 months of dating, lol) he was ready. 

Obviously the STD thing is understandable, but if they are being safe about it, I don't know if that's a fair argument to try and make for why they shouldn't be with other people. If it is kind of a cover for the emotional pain it is causing, then you need to be open with your partner to let them know that is what you are actually worried about. 

People, relationships, emotions, sex...all are so complicated. When you find the right situation, it seems so much easier though. I hope this comes off how I want it to lol. Good luck! 

 

[MissLindaJean]

Some people are okay with it, in the beginning and initial stages. You're still getting to know each other, still seems more casual, yada yada. Some view sex as a commitment. I agree that it's a matter of respect and commitment, to a certain degree. I casually dated two men during the same time period and one was bothered by it, the other didn't mind. I communicated that I wanted to be dating, enjoyed time shared and wasn't looking for a serious relationship or monogamy up front. The one who became upset told me he assumed I said all that, but didn't mean it. That I was.. "just talking." Whaaaa? Come to find out, he felt more deeply and intense about the two of us. I felt like an a$$, but we can't control others' emotions. He became jealous and resentful, then walked away. I wish he'd have been open and honest like I'd been..may have played out differently. Really, it's an individual choice/situation. Relationships and sex can be very confusing, but you just set up deal breakers for yourself. If the idea that someone you're seeing may be getting fresh with another and it's disturbing, you just need to speak up. Just communicate your expectations and desires from the beginning and tell them to do the same. They'll either agree and want the same from you or move on. Regarding STDs, definitely always have that talk before.. difficult to do, especially when you're "in the moment," but should be done. When clothes are flying off, chances are you'll both nod and claim to be disease free lol.

 

[Dalylah]

Originally Posted by MissLindaJean /img/forum/go_quote.gif
 Regarding STDs, definitely always have that talk before.. difficult to do, especially when you're "in the moment," but should be done. When clothes are flying off, chances are you'll both nod and claim to be disease free lol.

This for sure!

Since you desire a monogamous relationship from the beginning you should tell people that. Some will say goodbye and leave but I think you will be surprised at how many people are ok with it if you discuss it ahead of time.  If you wait til afterwards, you have already set yourself up for potential disappointment and hurt. The catch is you can't be upset if they do walk away or don't want to commit. This does not mean they are callous or disrespectful, it just means they aren't ready to be involved with someone who wants that and they have had the courage to be honest and tell you so.

 

[MorgTrott]

I personally think who ever told you this is out of their mind! Right from the beginning I told my boyfriend either he can have me or he can have other people but he's not getting both! Also I told him if he ever wanted to have sex he was going to get tested before, he was the one who offered to go get tested before we did anything sexually and I personally was grateful because I knew he was serious when he himself offered before I had the chance to even ask him

 

[PeridotCricket]

I agree with you there on the having sex with me or having sex with other people, but not both, and getting tested beforehand.  I don't know why so many people think it's okay to not get tested and to have multiple partners during the same time period.  It's just one of the things that makes absolutely no sense to me, but most of the people I've talked to seem to think getting tested is not important.  I don't want to contract HIV/AIDS or any other STD.  How can other people be so careless about their health and their life and also their partners' health and lives?