Autumn Winter No Buy/Project Use it Up 9/23-12/31 2018

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Temptation came to me!  :wub: I was remembering last year at this time, I was entering into my last big compulsive shopping episode before I got into my No Buy. A new site had launched last year where you could buy cosmetics, and everything was two dollars. They were Chinese brands, like Bioaqua. I was so excited for this. And I really spent a lot on it. I thought I was not spending a lot, but I was going on there every day, and kept making orders. It did add up. Even if things are inexpensive, I can overdo it. If I don't have the limit of buying only when I need to replace something, I will just keep buying and won't stop. I still have a pile of cute things from that episode, not even used yet. When I was recalling this time, I looked to see if there is another site like this, as the site I used last year is gone now. I saw that Shop Miss A, where everything is one dollar, has so many cute new things since I last looked at it a year ago. One dollar perfume oils in a wide variety of scents, one dollar face cream, one dollar rose embossed blush, tons of one dollar sheet masques, hair masques - huge variety, beauty lover's dream. It made me want to shop really badly.

But I know me! I will go on there and get three things. Then the next day I will get more, and I'll keep thinking about it, and the next day I'll get more again, and on and on. And the things will be in a box for a year not used. By the time I calm down, the purchases will have added up and would be the same total as buying something from Barneys cosmetic counter. Now if I could wait until I use up my face creams, and body creams and perfumes and sheet masques, and then go on there to replace things I need only, it will be awesome. But they might not have it by then, my mind says. 

Maybe it's a good sign I'm tempted to buy dollar things, not expensive items. I have to have faith the Miss A site will be waiting for me when I finally use my things up! 

 
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The Black Friday Diaries

I feel compelled to talk about this, and I feel very ashamed. The past two years, I had very bad shopping episodes that began this particular day, Friday before Thanksgiving.

2016

I woke up happy. It was a lovely day. I had the day off, went in the yard in the early morning, enjoying the beauty of the morning and the birds. I went to the dentist, went to the Post Office to pick up a vintage fashion mag I had ordered from England. I went with my father and brother to the flea market for homemade broccoli and cheddar soup, bread and butter, homemade chocolate chip and peanut butter cookies. Such a good day, but that evening it began ... the Beauty Advent Calendar Episode. It began small, with me gong on to eBay and getting two inexpensive UK calendars. I noted in my journal that it left me with not so much money for food for the week. It would get so much worse ... 

2017

Another Friday off. I was up in the predawn hours on my computer, looking at a French website called Altaya, which had a magazine called Collection Make Up Tendence. The magazines featured make up tutorials, and each one came with a make up item attached. Subscribers also got free gifts--a train case, a face cleansing brush. "This is the ultimate," I thought. "If I can have this, I won't ever need to buy beauty items any more. I'll have the perfect collection." Since the magazines could only be ordered in France or Belgium, I started looking around to see if I could rent a French PO Box and have them forwarded to me. I abandoned this plan as too difficult.

It was payday, and I would finally pay off the high Yves Rocher bill I had incurred using their credit plan. I'd been stressed about the bill all month. 

Later on, I saw that a new site had launched. For a ten dollar monthly fee, one could shop on this site and "get unlimited cosmetics, jewelry, and lingerie" with each item just costing two dollars for shipping. I thought it was the answer--I could shop all I wanted and I would hardly spend any money at all. Thus began the Two Dollar Makeup Episode. I happily purchased two BB creams, two brushes, and a lip balm in the shape of an aloe leaf. Then later in the day I went back to get the aloe powder to match the aloe leaf lip balm. I would buy five things a week, I told myself, which would only be ten dollars a week. I would have fun without spending much at all. Soon I began feeling anxious. This was not going to be good. I was going to overdo it. I knew unlimited was not good for me. I asked customer service if I could get a refund, and they evaded the question. I cancelled my subscription so I would be safe. I would be back ... 

In the mail came a box from Cosmetique Beauty Club. I used the new Cosmetique products to get ready to go to a concert and out to dinner. I wondered why I was kind of nervous and tired, not having as much fun as I should, at the concert. It would get worse ... 

2018

We were given $25.00 grocery store gift cards at work to thank us for our hard work, to put toward our Thanksgiving food. My eyes filled with tears, I was so grateful. I went with my brother on a shopping trip for Thanksgiving snacks. We got three kinds of dip. two kinds of Ruffles potato chips, two kinds of Ritz crackers, two cans of olives, three packs of celery, two kinds of cream cheese, Chavrie cheese, cheese ball, and supper from the deli. Everything was on BOGO. I came home and I had an offer to go back to my second job next month! I am so surprised because I thought they would not take me back until March. I had a lot of blessings today. I did not break my No Buy. It will get better ... 

 
Middle of month update. 

I ordered something on Shop Miss A, but only some cotton pads, which is allowed replacement on my No Buy. They were one dollar, and are Japanese. Shipping was 3.95. I'm happy with that purchase. I am so loving using up my 2016 holiday shower gel! Will update again at end of month. 

 
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The Black Friday Diaries Part Two 

The Beauty Advent Calendar Episode

Sunday, November 20, 2016  :sick:

When I look back on this episode of excessive spending, it seems like it went on and on for a month, but it really took place in a very short period of time, mostly on this day. It was my day off, a beautiful day. I began thinking of Advent. I loved the idea of a percent (note the Freudian slip from my subconscious. I meant to say perfect.) Advent, with beauty Advent calendars. The calendars seemed magical to me. I loved the idea of opening a door every day, having a new beauty gift every day. I thought this was the Ultimate Thing, that would fulfill all my beauty wishes, and make me stop wanting everything else. 

So I woke up this morning and began to plan. I began by cleaning my room. Then I decided to purchase some beauty Advent calendars. I already had a L'Occitane one and four low budget ones, (Boscovs, Ever After Box, Aldi, and Technics Fabulous Bunting), but I needed more, right? I couldn't afford it, but plotted to utilize some retail credit. I would purchase some and then on midnight December 1, I would begin a No Buy and use the gift of the day every day. "After that time I will not purchase anything. Every day I will use the item of the day. After the 24 days are up, I shall begin the cycle again, until everything runs out. The only thing to decide is, shall I use the beauty calendars one at a time, or all together? All together is probably better. But I need to think about it a bit. So I need to order as many calendars as I can, clean my room, and decide how my plan will work." This is what I wrote in my journal. 

Then I had a good thought: "I just had an idea, in this glorious morning, to make some calendars of my own with the things I already have. I would just need to pick out things and go to the dollar store for little bags!" I began cleaning my room and looking for things for my DIY calendar. "It was fun and easy," I wrote. "I was shocked at all the things I have. I surely have enough to make a gorgeous calendar, or more than one. The more the better, I guess! Maybe I could make one with new unopened products, and one with open, old products. "

I continued working and put on a YouTube video in the background: Opening Beauty Advent Calendars! Part One and Two, by Fashion Mumblr. She had every calendar. I began to feel fed up with making my own calendar. Soon, I was ordering the Charlotte Tilbury "World of Legendary Parties" Box for $200. I was so excited. It was a gorgeous box. There were so many incredible calendars I saw from all the brands. The Body Shop calendars were on sale. I saw a Clinique calendar. I also recall a tempting Laura Mercier box. 

The next day I reported to my diary that, "I feel so bad but can't stop." I reported that I had purchased the Estee Lauder, Target, Benefit, and Nuxe calendars with my retail credit. 

This was the binge. I will be back with the aftermath, and the Two Dollar Makeup Episode of 2017. I don't like doing this. It hurts to remember and put it on the Internet. But I feel I have to do it. Part of my mind wants to repeat the behavior. I must observe and understand my process. 

 
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The Black Friday Diaries Part Three 

I missed a beautiful morning in the yard, one of my favorite weekend treats, but I have so much work to do. I felt I needed to test myself by cleaning my room and watching the Advent Calendar video I was following in 2016, to see how it would make me feel. Would I start buying calendars again? 

I put the video on and began cleaning. I decided to take my mom's old Santa teapot and turn it into a cotton pad holder for the season. I used it to decorate, along with the Yves Rocher Cranberry Almond Shower Gel I am getting ready to use. It's such a beautiful red and gold bottle. I am following a use up list I wrote months and months ago, and the products next on the list are Yves Rocher toner in a red bottle, and two Yves Rocher mini creams in white tubes with red accents. They all come together to make a decorative holiday color scheme, and I didn't even have to plan it, it just happened that way. So that's it, that's my holiday beauty.

In the background, the words of Fashion Mumblr's Beauty Calendar vlog floated through the air, conjuring dreams of a fabulous month of December, filled with luxury baths on cold nights, red lipsticks for holiday parties, minis to pack for holidays. My brain took some of the words, and applied them to what I already had. As she spoke about the perfect festive red color, the wonderful scent of almonds, a luxurious shower on Christmas Eve, they sold me more on what I already had. I didn't plan that happening, it just happened, and everything sort of fit together like a puzzle. 

I also recalled while watching the Fashion Mumblr video, that I thought she would be opening the calendars every day during Vlogmas, and I thought I would open the calendars along with her. It would be an activity, something to look forward to, like having a friend to have fun with. Maybe that's why I wanted these calendars so badly - as a pastime to look forward to, something exciting happening every day. 

Now I have to go and analyze my bad behavior from 2017! I'm sorry for so much posting but I feel I really need to do this. 

 
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The Black Friday Diaries Part Four 

The Two Dollar Makeup Episode 

Sunday, November 19, 2017  :blush:

This episode came from a place of hurt and anger. I was out in the yard in the early morning, but I told my diary I felt unwell. I was hanging on to a bad day at work, the day before, when someone took out anger on me quite severely. I remember sitting in the office the day before and planning to run home and shop on the two dollar makeup website. That would make up for the hurt and anger I felt. I relished the illicit thought. Even though I had sworn off it the previous Friday. I would show everyone, I had the answer; I had cracked the code. I could buy all I want, and it would cost so little. I'd have the last laugh. 

I sat in the yard and planned how I would use 18 dollars to do this. I would pay another 10 dollar membership fee, since I had cancelled the previous Friday, and I then I could get four things. Later in the day I reported that I had gotten my membership back, and purchased some makeup brushes. I was happy. But later still, when the end of the weekend let down was setting in, I began to feel anxious and remorseful. I realized I'd actually spent around 50 dollars on this super inexpensive web site, and was now low on funds. "I could have had something really good. It is not something to help me save", I told my diary. I cancelled my account again. "At least I'm not into Advent calendars like last year. New plan - For the next month, I won't get anything but Xmas gifts [for other people]", I resolved. It was going to get much, much worse ... 

That site is gone now. It was a startup venture or maybe something they were test marketing. Part of me craves that kind of shopping again. For me, it can be Charlotte Tilbury or dollar makeup, and it all comes out the same, with me overdoing everything. I sort of want to have that feeling again of loading up an online cart with tons of dollar things. I still have all the things I bought on the two dollar site last year. I guess I could take them out and look through them. I haven't used anything, except the eye shadow sponge sticks, which I've used all year long. 

 
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The Black Friday Diaries Part Five

The Two Dollar Makeup Episode 

I've collected everything I purchased on the two dollar site. The amount I received was not as much as I thought it was in my mind. The site disbanded and I did not receive all of the goods purchased. I also spent a great deal because I kept paying a membership fee to shop there, then cancelling to avoid temptation, then paying the fee again. I even paid 100 dollars for a year membership as I thought I would get access to extra things. I'm not blaming the site. I gave the money willingly. The things I got were the following:

  1. Wine Lip Tint Rose Coral 
  2. Wine Lip Tint Rose Coral (I got two as I bought so many times I lost track)
  3. Wine Lip Tint Blush Pink
  4. Miss Rose Lipstick Smoked Rose (arrived broken)
  5. Aloe Vera Lip Balm
  6. Bioaqua True Isolation BB Cream 
  7. V7 CC Cream
  8. Babe Skin Pore Eraser
  9. Bioaqua BB Cushion
  10. Aloe Vera Powder
  11. Mini pink beauty blender type sponge
  12. Kabuki brush
  13. Eyeshadow brush
  14. Eyebrow brush
  15. Little spoolie brush-free gift
  16. Eye shadow sponges 
  17. Nine pieces of pretty but really small for me lingerie 
  18. Necklace
The necklace is an infinity symbol. It was the logo of the site. I got a necklace with the symbol as I thought it represented this wonderful new way of shopping, of buying all I wanted, a dream come true. I googled the symbol today, and found that, as a mathematical symbol, it represents a potential infinity, not an actual infinite quantity. I found that fascinating. I thought I had won the beauty lottery, but it was an dream only. I don't know how much money I spent on the site, as I was shopping there for a few weeks, but I'll be analyzing that in the weeks to come. I feel ashamed to put all of this on the Internet. Plus there's a shame in buying Chinese brands because of the cruelty free situation. And how strange am I that this is all I thought of all day. People will think I am so superficial. I beg forgiveness. But it's helping me understand. 

 
The Black Friday Diaries Part Six

Monday before Thanksgiving - the remorse and feeling ill 

Monday, November 21, 2016 

I listed the Advent calendars I had purchased, and noted that I still wanted Body Shop and Clinique ones. "Feel so bad--need dental work. Nervous about bills. Can't wait for Dec. 1 for buying spree to be over! I have enough beauty calendars for six and a half months, though! Enough for a half year No Buy. I am really thinking I should open one at a time." I made a list in my diary showing how I would use one calendar in December, one in January, etc. 

Monday, November 19, 2018

I feel down after a weekend of eating and thinking of my past foolish behavior. I feel remorse for spending money on Thanksgiving food and turkey dinner. I tried to make family members happy, but I feel ill from eating. Eating turkey makes one so tired and depressed. I feel so done with the holidays, and just want to think of my No Buy. 

My infinity symbol necklace. I purchased it last year on the 2 dollar site. It represented something I wanted--infinite buying ability. It was the logo of this site. "Unlimited" was a theme word of the site. I wanted that. "Get unlimited free makeup", it promised. I got the necklace and put it away for a year untouched. 

I took the necklace out yesterday. I googled the infinity symbol. I learned that, in mathematical philosophy, the infinity symbol called a lemniscate, denotes potential infinity, not actual infinity. My understanding of this is small, but it seems actual infinity is thought of as impossible. I find this fascinating as a symbol of my unrealistic dreams and expectations, my search for an infinite through buying, a dream that is not what I think it is. I wish I could think in beautiful mathematical equations instead of from a place of emotions influenced by marketing campaigns.  IMG_0396[1].JPG

To me, the week of Thanksgiving is the most dangerous week of the year for a compulsive shopper, not just because of Black Friday campaigns. It's a moment of expectation, before the holiday season begins, where all is still possible. There is the dream that this year will bring the perfect, happy, magical holiday. It's like back to school used to be when I was a teen. I would avidly read the heavy back to school issue of Seventeen magazine. There was a moment before the school year started when I believed that if I just could have the perfect new clothes, makeup, and makeover, I would go back to school as "a new me", and my life would be different. A short time after the school year began, it became clear that nothing would be different. Still, each year the dream appeared. Now I'm glad I never became "the new me" and stayed a nerd and loner. I was cool the way I was. But it's the same with this week. Once December starts, I adjust to the reality that the holiday season will not live up to my unrealistic dreams. After a few weeks, I get so burned out from shopping that I can't wait for January so that I can start my No Buy! 

 
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The Black Friday Diaries Part Seven

Tuesday before Thanksgiving - remorse - feeling ill and down

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

My episode of buying all of those beauty Advent calendars with retail cards was over and I felt so sick. I wrote in my diary, "Feel mentally and physically sick over what I've done." I wrote about, and clearly recall, that I used some l'Occitane hand cream before work. The cream was a gift with purchase that I had received when I purchased their Advent calendar. Since I already felt sick, the perfume of the cream made me feel more ill as I sat at my desk all day. It made me regret everything more. It was an awful feeling. 

Tuesday November 21, 2017

My diary entry began with a list of credit card bills, including one of the Yves Rocher bills that had haunted me all month. Then I wrote, "Everything is SO bad this year. I feel just awful." This was the day David Cassidy passed away. It was so sad. He suffered so much from his addiction. I was his fan, and saw him live in concert. I was feeling bad about work, and kept waiting for news about David. "At least my Yves bill is paid," my diary entry ended. 

 
The Black Friday Diaries Part Eight 

Wednesday before Thanksgiving - stress, and beauty all around 

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

I noted again in my diary that "My bills are paid. Those awful Yves [Rocher] bills are gone. I am so glad they are paid for." I had the most terrible day at work. One of those days when something happens that makes you feel so bad that you come home and cannot relax. I was hurting over that. I found some David Cassidy fanzines and videos online, from the early 70s. It cheered me up a little. I wanted to go back and order from the 2 dollar makeup site again. I was dying to! 

Wednesday November 21, 2018

A wish came true ... for free. I had wished to see a Russian Blue cat in real life. ? Someone at my job was giving a Russian Blue kitten to another coworker. I looked forward all night to seeing it. This morning I had the great experience of seeing the little Russian Blue kitten! It made me happy. 

I have been so lucky. I have been on No Buy since January 1 and was not tempted to shop. But now I feel tempted. I stirred it up in myself by recalling my past shopping. Now I want to buy tons of things from Shop Miss A. I want to buy all kinds of bath bombs from them, and I don't even have a tub that works, just a shower. I want to get an Yves Rocher holiday collection highlighter. I don't like highlighter, but the package design is so charming. I want some holiday things from Avon.  Maybe it's just that there is glittering beauty all around right now, and everything is special. I don't want to break my No Buy! 

 
The Black Friday Dairies Part Nine - Thanksgiving Morning

Our family celebrates Thanksgiving by going to a theme park near us, that we have passes to. It has holiday food, decorations, and entertainment. We leave at 9 am - but there is time before that for shopping matters. 

Thursday, November 24, 2016

I was still sick with guilt and anxiety over ordering too many beauty Advent calendars. I sat down at my computer and opened a Black Friday email. It saved me. 

The email was from Cosmetique. I have loved Cosmetique since 2001. It was a beauty subscription that went back to the 1970s. I often turned to it to save money on my cosmetics. I saw the sets as good dupes for more expensive items. On Thanksgiving morning, 2016, Cosmetique sent me a Black Friday email. I went on their site and saw a Madeleine Mono set for $20.00. The set had a face scrub, face masque, face cream, eye shadow palette, lip pencil with a different shade on each end, and a special lipstick. The lipstick had a regular color on one end, and the opposite end had a lipstick with two halves, one half a silver top coat, and the other side a gold top coat. 

It was perfect. I bought myself the set, and suddenly I felt satisfied. This was all I wanted. I didn't even want the Advent calendars any longer. The spell was broken. I formed a plan in my diary: I would have fun for Thanksgiving, and then in the coming days I would return the Advent calendars unopened, and not get any more. "I wanted to get Cosmetique back for a long time," I told my diary. "I always go back this time of year, when I get sick with guilt after overdoing things." I made a list of Advent calendars to return, listed by most to least expensive: 

  1. Charlotte Tilbury 
  2. Estee Lauder
  3. Nuxe
  4. Target
  5. Benefit
I was so happy, and then I had the most amazing day. I had so much fun with my family, and all day I felt the relief of feeling so much better because Cosmetique had given me a way out of the Advent calendar anxiety. The relief was incredible. 

Thursday, November 23, 2017

I was still sick with guilt and anxiety about my bad day at work the day before, and was still talking about the Yves Rocher bill I had just paid: "Thanksgiving. Yesterday I had the worst day at work. It was torture. I've been upset about it ever since. At least all my bills are paid and my awful Yves bills," I reported to my diary. Then I wrote how all I wanted was to go on the 2 dollar makeup site and shop, even though my credit card was over limit from doing so a few days before. It was $19.01 over limit. A list of bills to pay that week followed. 

I felt really down this Thanksgiving morning. I was so broke. I wanted money for the 2 dollar makeup site. I wanted 100 dollars for a one year VIP membership. I had read that this would give me access to more, exclusive merchandise. I didn't know how I was going to afford Christmas presents for family. I went online and filled out a few credit card applications. Denied, denied, denied. I tuned to my boxes and piles of paper clutter to look for preapproved credit offers. I found one. I filled out the application. I could choose a card design. They had some really cute ones. I submitted the application. Approved! Oh, what happiness! I now had money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone, get a one year membership to the 2 dollar cosmetic site, and buy all the 2 dollar items I wanted! And because the 2 dollar site was so inexpensive, I would hardly have any balance on the card. The holidays would be great now. 

Thursday, November 22, 2018

How will Thanksgiving be this year? Will I buy from Cosmetique? I paid the above mentioned credit card back during my No Buy this year, and closed the account, but they are after me to come back. Will I get the card back? Will I undo all my hard work of this year?

Or, will I just have a nice shower with my 2016 Yves Rocher Clementine and Spices holiday shower gel, apply my 2017 Yves Rocher face cream, my 2017 Mary Kay Whipped Cocoa eye shadow, and relax and have fun, safe in my No Buy? I truly hope so! ?

 
Black Friday is here - danger, danger

2016 Black Friday

I was good on Black Friday in 2016. I was still satisfied with my purchase from Cosmetique, and resolved to return my Advent calendars unopened. I had a big day of work, so Black Friday was not an issue. 

2017 Black Friday 

I only had to work a half day, but still managed to get upset about problems there. I got paid and went to eat at a British restaurant. I paid the minimum payment on my credit card that was over limit. Then it was time for what I had been dying to do all week: I paid another 10 dollars to join the 2 dollar makeup site again, and bought more things! I got a foundation brush, a bag of eye shadow sponges with lip brushes at the other end (I did use these all year, and loved them, and just got a new supply from eBay), some Pore Cream with "rose oil and deep sea pearl", and a Bioaqua BB Cushion. I was happy. 

2018 Black Friday

Yesterday I was good. I spent nothing. Cosmetique has a great Black Friday sale, but I don't need anything there right now. I did not apply for a credit card, even though when I went to pick up my journal yesterday morning, a preapproved offer envelope had fallen out of my paper clutter pile and was on the floor right by my hand. I don't know a lot about what's going on today. I haven't been reading about it due to my No Buy. I'm happily ignorant, but do have temptation. The temptation comes mostly from within, from recalling buying episodes from the past. Also I was looking at the Avon and Yves Rocher sites as I was in the market to get a deodorant, the only beauty item I need now, and I saw some really pretty holiday things. I have to work today, and I hope it will be easy. It is payday, so danger! I really don't want to fall. But I have been dreaming of shopping. 

 
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Black Friday is over and I only spent $2.00. 

So glad I did not break my No Buy. I went on Shop Miss A yesterday before work. They had added more adorable things. They had a special of one dollar shipping on all orders. I looked at the things and thought, "If I get whatever I want, it will be never ending." So I just got the one thing I don't have, something I want and need - a pumice stone. A dollar for the stone, and a dollar for shipping. They also had eye primer and false eyelash adhesive, which I do not have, but I really am too lazy and don't want to use those, so I did not get them; the pumice I know I will use. The temptation is starting to subside. 

From observing my behavior I learned:

  • I have a lot of stress from work. This week I began a new plan of working harder on my problems at work, and also reaching out to my managers about them, so that I don't have to worry about them at home so much. Feeling less stressed will help me stick to my No Buy.
  • I was always looking for the Ultimate Thing that would fulfill all my beauty needs. The perfect Advent calendar, sub box, get all you want web site. The thing that would satisfy me forever. That does not exist. And who would want that? It's more fun to discover something new every time I need something. 
  • Get all you want, dollar store shopping brings no savings if I overdo it. I may as well be shopping at Barneys. 
  • My excess shopping adds a great deal to my stress level. It is an emotional roller coaster of excitement followed by guilt and anxiety. 
****I can't wait for New Years when I will start year two of my No Buy! 

 
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Yesterday I was this close to breaking my No Buy and throwing all my hard work away. :sick: I have been going through my old diaries and looking at the things I used to pursue online, stirring up temptation in myself. In addition to that, since I came home from work Friday, it has been just one thing after another, everything to upset and worry me. ?So I spent hours yesterday online looking at web sites and putting items into online shopping carts.

This morning I am resolved again. I must think of my diaries differently. Since I have been on No Buy for almost a year now, most of my collection is from 2017. A few items are a bit older. I think that's interesting. I shopped a lot in 2017, and I have a detailed diary for the year that chronicles what I got when. When I look back at this diary, I'm not going to go back online to recreate the shopping episodes. Instead, I'll go to my beauty shelf and appreciate and use the items purchased previously. 

I also have a diary for all of 2018, showing that I was able to be successful on a No Buy through the year. This book must be completed, with a strong finish and a happy ending. Then it will be a guide to follow every year going forward. 

I will finish the book of my 2018 No Buy, and it will have a fairy tale ending! ? 

I had my shower and washed my hair, and did some cleaning and laundry. I had a nice breakfast. Yesterday my hot water heater was down and I could not take my shower and I felt so dirty. My room was dirty and messy as I did not want to do anything but shop online, and I had nothing good to eat in the house. Mentally I felt dirty and ashamed. I was not having fun. I felt my body was dirty, my mind was dirty, and my surroundings were dirty. And the more I looked, the more things I found online, and I felt myself falling into an endless, endless black hole .........

I decided to tear up and discard my diaries before my No Buy began. They are making me relive shopping behavior and are triggering me. They are hurting me. I hate to throw things away, but I can't dwell on this any longer. I'm going to read them one last time and then they are gone!

 
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I spent all day reading and cutting up my diaries from Nov. 2016 through December 2017. ?They are mostly about shopping, with some neat dream work in between. They made me so tired to read. It was me trying to solve this puzzle, every day, where I wanted to find THE perfect thing, such as THE perfect sub box. I would then stick to ONLY that one thing, and I would be happy and not spend much. I could never settle on one thing: I kept being let down, or finding something else. I also would only use items from the one thing I thought was IT, and could not enjoy all the products I had. For example, when I found the Sisley beauty bag, I was a fanatic about it. I told myself I would just have that bag, and nothing else. I would try to follow all the tips on the Sisley site religiously. If I wanted to get something else, I'd feel bad. I felt frustrated. The only time I felt happy with beauty was around May, when I had a second job. At that time I was ahead on my bills, had extra money in the bank, and felt free to get what I wanted. I got Yves Rocher orders, Ipsy offers, Birchboxes, and Bath and Body Works, as well as Wet n Wild Unicorn Brush and Lipstick. I was happy, enjoying life. When the second job ended I went back to my perfectionist type of shopping, due to anxiety about money along with the frustration of wanting everything. 

Reading the diary through in one day, though, clearly shows that the year 2017 was not as happy as the year 2018, my No Buy year. I had an even bigger second job this year, a higher paying and longer lasting one, but I got a lot of debts paid off instead of shopping. I also used and enjoyed all my products more. The No Buy is for me a quiet, safe space without the frustration. More enjoyment, less anxiety. The enjoyment of products, money savings, and peace of mind it gives me are so great. I hope the craving to relive past shopping episodes will disappear with the paper scraps. It's been a hard week of that part of my brain waking up again. ? On the other hand, maybe I should get back into my dream work!

 
It's almost December - I'm excited! One more month on my one year No Buy - not that I plan to end the No Buy at the end of the year, but I'm excited I will have one year done! Although I had a really bad week of Thanksgiving where I was tempted and consumed with thinking of shopping, I'm now back to the relaxing peace of mind of my No Buy routine. No Buy went great this week. I was given two full size unopened face creams for free. I had several empties: shampoo, face cream mini, eye shadow sample card, and one drop left of the great Clementine and Spices Shower Gel. That means I get to go on to other items for December. Also, the last eye shadow card I used turned out to be a miraculous color for me. It is Mary Kay Whisper Pink, an icy pale pink with silver shimmer. It goes on creamy and not sheer, and almost white. It really brightens up my small eyes. It's rare to find eye shadows that work on me. 

I'm almost finished with my financial goal for the rest of the year. Since September, I have been making extra payments on some credit cards, to get them down to where I can easily pay off five cards in 2019. I only have $22.00 extra to pay left on what I wanted to do by the end of the year. 

For December I'll be using Yves Rocher Serum Vegetal toner, serum mini, and Cranberry and Almond holiday shower gel - coincidentally all are in pretty red and red and gold packaging, beautiful for this month. 

 
I've been working so hard on my two jobs. I've been spending more and more time on my second job. I have found "Study With Me" live streams on YouTube to be an invaluable aid to motivation and focus. In these streams, college students film their study sessions with timers for others to follow along. Most use a Pomodoro time management system with short breaks throughout. Some of my favorites are Study Vibes (a Belgian student of chemical engineering), and yui (a Korean student studying for the public official exam).  I have not had time for much Christmas fun, other than looking at the Christmas lights around my cubicle. 

But this weekend I did have time for some gift wrapping and visiting stores. I had fun just going to Dollar General for my wrapping supplies. They had some cute beauty gifts there. I saw some nice bath bombs, a pretty set that is a dupe for Wet and Wild Unicorn brushes, some cute holiday sets of mini Beauty Blender dupes. I could not get any of these do to my No Buy. I already have a Unicorn brush and a beauty sponge, and have no bathtub, just a shower. 

And yesterday I got to go to Ikea! Ikea is far from my house and I had never been before. I absolutely loved it, especially the restaurant! I loved my meal of Swedish meatballs with lingonberry sauce and gravy, mashed potatoes, vegetables, roll and butter, almond cake, and lingonberry juice. It was beautiful, and the price was so good. The restaurant was gorgeous as well. And the little Swedish grocery! I got some lingonberry and elder flower juices to take home. There was a whole aisle of Swedish chocolate bars, and some people from Denmark shopping there and wishing each other God Jul. I was in heaven, but I could not stay as long as I wished. The person who brought me was in a hurry. I wanted to find some mulled drink, and look at the whimsical Christmas decorations inspired by a Swedish forest. I could have stayed all day! I guess my heart longs to go to Europe for Christmas-Scandinavia, Germany, Austria, or France. This was like a tiny mini vacation to Sweden and it has refreshed me mentally and physically. I did not cheat on my No Buy, but still had fun. 

 
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