I hope this thing actually lets me type this time. I just got it allllllll out and in short and perfect and it wouldn't let me edit or post. So here goes...AGAIN!!! fudge...I don't wanna type it. :/ My husband cheated and beat me. So did the guy that I was rehabilitating from suicidal depression. They try to convince me I am crazy. Take my kids. Lie to me. use me. I get raped when my husband left (which i do not mean me, he left to move our family to a new state long before the cheating.) he blames me for it and says that I am HIS bad karma. Smashes my phone, breaks up with me on my bday after a 2.5 day drive to see him and that depressed guy slamming my face into a window and damn near getting us run over by a semi. tells me he has an 18 yr old gf and has for months 5 minutes before she comes over. i say nothing to her after she tries to act like she gave birth to my kids and speaks over me when i tell them what to do. i am made to aplogize to her. he tells all these ppl her that i have been sleeping around (because when I orginally find out he is cheating, i get mad, and stupid, and send him a text that i am too) together those 2 post online the videos i sent for him and make fun of me on camera, delete a novel i worked months on and make a video themselves on our anniversary while talking to me on the phone, prick, with my camera and laptop that i sent for him to use while he was away. when he does come back to get my kids, he doesnt tell me, just breaks into my apartment, which i dont know how he got my address, kicks all of my friends' butts that come over, convinces me to go to counseling with him and then takes off with my girls and then tells me he was lying and doesnt want to be with me. then the whole telling me about her (he hinted at her for months prior, like 8 months before i met her and even had me talk on the phone with her but i didnt know that was what was going on) 5 minutes before she comes over and i say nothing and he still makes m apologize for being a witch (i literally didnt speak to her) and she curls up on his bed and asks me not to go near him and says she appreciates me respecting their relationship and asks him when they get to go out again and .....yeah. then the beating by him and the depressed guy which all happened after i get robbed and beat by some guy on the street because i kept telling him i wasnt a prostitute i was just getting groceries (and no i was wearing a sweater and jeans and flip flops, it was late summer) and them beating me is all over me talking to my best friend on the phone while they are drunk, listening to a song called eff you-lily allen and they hear it thinking we are talking crap smash my phone, choke me and bash my head into the ground then proceed to convince me i imagine it when i threaten them with the police, throw me out the house by my hair and tell me ill never see my kids again. police show up, they hide, wont even be men but have all these people i have to work with of all these things i wouldn't do. i get my kids and a few months go by before i see my husband again and since then....things have been like a fairy tale but I am scared. I say i forgive but forgiveness doesnt mean it hurts less or i forgot or that its behind me. there is sooooo much more i left out. I lived in a shelter with dv women for a while and had to do counseling and that actually brought out the nightmares. and all these things that now wont go away. i stopped counseling when it got to the point that i would look in the mirror and be so disgusted with what i saw that i would rather die. i didnt sleep or eat. since i stopped, it has been much better but these thoughts never go away. Am I doing the right thing? my doctor says it stemmed from anger pain and loneliness, all of our problems did. it has been 8 mo since we reacquainted. I love him more every day but sometimes when I look at him, i want to curl in a ball and evaporate. when i see asian women, especially pretty ones i tear up. when i hear the name breana i want to maime things. i used to hate anime and now i am obsessed. i just got a japanese style haircut. I have stopped listening to things he already said she listens to too. like my old favorite song, I wanna hold your hand, the new one from across the universe. there are several things that she and i seem to have in common and it only furthers my drs. point, that he was filling that void where i should have been with her. ive found videos pictures......maybe in time ill be done with all this but i don't really see an end to this little phantom pain in the back of my mind. maybe i am just weak and stupid. idk. i dont think so. but i forgive him and toook him back to work it out but the thoughts are still there. these tendencies are still here. they tried to give me anxiety medication for it but its not anxiety. i am not anxious scared or nervous. i feel fine. feel. but i am not fine. my feelings are fine. but my mind is still a little warped i think.