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He kicked in the door (long post)

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Mar 30, 2006
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I'm staying with family and have been for a long while because my husdband left. He comes back we reconcile. We get along great then things are one long hot mess.

He kicked in the front door. It may ahve been my fault for I made him angry. before this he tore up lots of pictures and cds in my room so I was pissed. he dropped his car key and I locked him out and refuse to give them back for a minute I even lost it and called him names.

Now I had to get an order of protection on him like I have a stalker. Oh My God. he is my husband. He has been using me for all I am worth, he bought a car he couldn't afford to pay off nor keep gasoline in...and used me up for my entire check to put gas in...then he took my car which is very old and it is ruined sitting n the side of the road. that's a few of many reasons we argued and had a blowout this morning.

I don't know if I want advice or what or if I'm just venting. He has left me twice across the country then comes back and says he loves me.

I'm not a stupid girl and I'm not crazy, I think I just thought he would change. He has and not for the better, with the way he is acting and talking he may wind up homeless or in prison and it hurts me to think of so bad. I pray for a man who verbally tells me he wishes I would commit suicide (yeh) and also just told me he'd like to burn my whole house down.

We used to have something amazing but it's all but dried up and gone, and he continues to say i don't care or never did. he calls himself a peice of shit and a jerk and says everything is his fautl or goes into self righteous rages and sort of says I desrve to be punish. If you step on this mofo's toe he will black your eyes metaphorically speaking. He is hell bent on revenge or bringing me down and Ijust cannot take it anymore.

I have begin to lose a lot of my attraction to him and oh my gods that HELPS. he sensed something was off in my libido, he often in arguments accuse me of wanting a man more like my father...or even a man who remind me less of my father.

Ah, all fruedian cliches aside, I think I lost my mojo because I felt like I was dealing with a son. Ah, it's like...

I'm 29 and am f***ing my own 30 yro son...gross. I'm not sure his ego could take the idea as he is and was my best love making ever but it's very true.

He has put me through hell and back. I was no saint and was horrid to him too. i bail him out of all these situations then I verbally (s word) on him because I bitterly resent paying for all his mistakes when I am on a soial security check and he has an allright job and gets paid EVERY week.

he continues to call me and I must take his calls, for if I do not he will call the HOUSE phone and threaten/aggravate my family here and no one else desrve this, it's between me and the husband. When I tell him that I'd never call up his mom or who ever to disrespect you know what he says he don't like my family especially my father so he doesn't give a f*** if it makes sense.

He took depression meds when his MOM asked him to. he wasn't always like this, and I struggle with feeling that by me being a jerk and having a cruel mouth I may have turned him into this somehow.

I have to divorce and I am afraid of men. i am afraid of sex. I don't ever want another, i just...can't somehow, and all the man ever does is accuse me of cheating if...for any damned reason. Jeez.

My marriage is an utter ruin and failure, i had three wonderful years of a long engagement but things started to slowly unravel i should never have married.

Oh and needless to say, with him being this unstable and all before anyone asks, yes, he has. I have pictures to prove it but never did file police reoprts. I thought true love could conquer all. true love doesn't do (s***) sometimes. What a crock.

He knows I want a divorce for real this time, no reconciliation, and as stated the police know he has been giving me a hard time. he has thraetened to kill me and kill my father as well. Thank God he doesn't have a weapon.


please tell me i'm not a toal a-hole for needing to divorce a man i dearly love to save myself from him physically and to save his emotions from me.


oh yeah, and I had kidney failure at fifteen was sick past 21...and have seldom ever had a regular job nor real transportation. i ahve this...mind and vocabulary...and have not gone to school yet.

i'm 29 and a total raving abject faliure. I'm just convinced people laugh at me behind my back. it's like I got sick really young and missed out on some important stuff of growing up. i lost a lot of friends due to their unhidden superiority complex towards me and like...no one expects any better of me, a lot of my family baby me to death and treat me like I'm feeble, like something went awry with my mind instead of my body.

i pray for death every night and no such mercy comes. I do not want to see a therapist, they are all lame. it's not suicidal it's a death wish. it's different.

I ahve way more stuff from my childhood and adolescence that was messed up but i won't get into here.

i am 29 and fairly healthy but I feel like it's too late to start over. I don't want to date, i don't want to be awake or anything at all. I want to be totally numb but it's a here and there Blessing since I have been dealing with so much for so long.

and a sneaking sense of relief that makes me want to cut my own wicked heart out, for not wanting to try to carry hubs emotionally and across the board any frickin' longer. I married him, I married him, that's a big deal. have I ever done enough?

What's a good reason to be alive besides my family won't have to mourn my loss. I barely ever freaking see them anyhow and again, everyone roundly pities me...I feel like my whole life is a waste and I am not young not old, its probably too late to rise up and blah blah all that blue skying and bull.........

the broken record within of "but i'd hurt people if I was gone" isn't working anymore. I won't do anything to myself but I'd love for someone to put me out of my misery and make it quick and painless.

if i could lose forty IQ points I wouldn't know the differnce to be hurt or feel condescended to.

ah, okay, so what the hell should I do about ANy of this?!