His parents want nothing to do with me

[Caitlyn08]

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. Thing is, he’s a divorcee living with his parents and child. I have never met his parents, his mom’s reasoning behind it is that the divorce was not final yet therefore it’s not the right time. During the year she would tell him how much she wants to meet me and that she can’t wait to meet me and all his problems would be settled soon. She would even give him presents to pass to me and we even went to a fortune teller (she believes in this a lot) in which he said we we’re very good together. After hearing this she said, ah you all better not open the books so much, it’s not good to read your destiny so often.

Anyway, forward to now a year and a half later, the divorce was finally settled. His mom is really happy for him and tells him he shouldn't remarry so soon. Suddenly she goes and sees another fortune teller and he says that I am not the one for her son and he will meet the woman in 5 years time. In the midst of this, she keeps asking him to meet that fortune teller so that he could tell my bf that face to face. So after that meeting, she starts to justify herself, and tells her son that she wants nothing to do with the relationship and tells him not to get her or the family involved. She then says, I’m not asking you all to break up, just giving you a heads up that she’s not the one but if you want to continue up to you, I will only be willing to meet the girl you are with in 5 years time. Honestly, it’s heartbreaking, I know I should handle this better and understand his situation but there’s just this feeling like my heart is sinking.

Weirdly enough, this happened about a month ago and up til now, she’s still trying to justify herself repeating the same thing over and over again to him. Almost every other day she would ask him, how is your gf taking this, whats her reaction, you know i'm just doing this for your own good. She then would start to bring the other members of the family into the justification telling him that the fortune teller says they aren’t ready to meet an outsider and she would say she has sacrificed everything for this family to work. Oh, and boyfriend and me is building a business together, but in this point of view the fortune teller says we work very well together and we bring luck to each other. It’s somehow ironic isn’t it.

Other than that, his house rules are that he has to be home by 6pm everyday, I understand she wants him to spend time at home. I’m currently sharing my place with him so it’s like he has two different lives. Sigh, I don’t know what I’m ranting about, I have spent the last two xmas’s alone, I sometimes can’t imagine spending another 5 without him. It’s like our plans to be a family, everything is thwarted. I just feel really lonely, left out and disheartened. Reason why I don’t want to dwell my family and friends about this is that maybe I’m ashamed that I don’t have the courage to go through this. I don’t know. He tells me that we'll get through it no matter what. I mean, it's so difficult nowadays to find someone so compatible, so true and so happy, it's just something i never expected. Maybe I'm just being naive. He can't leave because she's taking care of the kids and she would make statements like he doesn't have enough money to put them through private school and that he can't spend lavishly on them. She is very close to them and they'd be crestfallen without her. She have her own views in which they are so traumatised that there shouldn't be any stress laid upon them. When she gets angry she would be nasty and say things like 'they're your kids, you are a failure son and a failure father, your whole life is screwed up, you always do the wrong things, you never have any direction, you should never even be in a relationship, i hope your divorce never goes through.' When she's nice she would say 'you should find your own happiness, i really want you to be happy' and most of the time she would buy him expensive presents for no apparent reason. In someways I feel sorry that his parents still treat him like a child, and in someways i feel that if he didn't allow it to happen, it wouldn't have happened.

ps. reason why his marriage failed is because he was stuck in between the both of them complaining and nagging about each other till the wife couldn't take it and abused the family.

 

[pinksugar]

I think the mother needs to let go. To be honest, if your bf isn't prepared to tell her to stop intefering in his life, as she did in his first marriage and is trying to do now in your relationship with him, then she's never going to stop and it seems that this issue is something you'll have to continue to deal with in some form or another pretty much forever!

if you think you can face that then I would say go for it, your're right that it's hard to find someone who you feel so compatible with etc etc. That being said, if it was me, I would get out right now. Otherwise you will face the same path his ex-wife faced. I would ask him to stand up to her and tell her to stop intefering, and if he won't, then seriously re-evaluate the relationship.

I know this sounds harsh, but don't give up yet! I just feel this woman is trying to control his life, and that isn't fair since it's affecting you.

I hope everything works out for the best, and hopefully she will butt out of his life and stop harrassing everyone!

 

[joybelle]

This relationship doesn't sound worth it. He is living with his mom. He listens to her then comes to you with everything she says. This is stressing you out. If he can't spend cmas with you bc of her, that is a problem. He might not like her or what she says, but she does influence him alot.

I was married to a momma's boy who liked me but the fact that he couldn't let go of her is what got in our way alot.

 

[jessimau]

You are seeing the reason his previous marriage ended. If you stay with him, she will be in your lives and causing you trouble. Unless he cuts the apron strings, I'd say the outlook isn't good -- he has a 6pm curfew and abides by it?!?

 

[Caitlyn08]

Thank you all for your comments, it really helps a lot since i haven't talked to any of my friends about whats going on in my life.

personally, i don't know why he doesn't wake up. but to tell you the truth i can come up with so many answers to why it's like this and all these answers can make me feel like crap over and over again. the reason why i wrote this is because i just had to get it out of my system, but i do know that there's nothing much i can do about it. Even though the red flags are there and even though i know the facts, sometimes i just don't want to face the facts. It just really hurts when you really think you've met the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with so much so i don't know how to face the situation.

being in the culture where we respect our elders is the reason why i never pushed him to do anything or stated comments to make him feel worse about the situation. i do think his parents just want the family to be closely knit, meaning it only involves them. but i wouldn't want to be the one who pulls him away from his family in which i would be ruining the relationship that they have. argh, i know i'm damn friggin stupid. i was brought up to respect my parents and i really love them and i wouldn't want to be put in a situation where i had to be in an indefinite argument with them.

his parents takes turns to manipulate him into feeling guilty for not being around, oh i have tried that, yeah he would be with me more often then his mum would blow up and have this big argument about him not being around. yeah his plan is to move out, but deep down i somehow feel it's quite impossible, firstly they would probably tell him his kids hate him for taking them away from home, and god knows what else. They brainwash and manipulate him so much that sometimes the things he says are even double standards, but honestly i'm tired of trying to make him understand my situation or what i'm going through anymore. yes, i would say he's a mummy's boy but i do understand how much a mother loves her kid, etc and how much she doesn't want him to get hurt by anything. but she's selfish enough to bring in what some fortune teller says to brainwash us to feel that the relationship is doomed. As for the curfew, i am trying to be understanding on that point that he has to spend time with the kids.

ah, i don't know, i know there's no solution, no right or wrong and nothing much else that can be done. but i really do appreciate all of your replies, it really does help to have people understand what i'm going through.

 

[pinksugar]

I know how hopeless it feels.

I hope it all works out for the best, whatever that may be. I'm sure you know you don't deserve to be living under this kind of stress.. please keep us updated

 

[KellyB]

First of all sorry that you are dealing with it. I watched my best friend suffer at the hands of her mother in law for 10 years. Her ex-husband let his mother into every aspect of their life from his business to raising kids. The problem was that he would not stand up to his mother and tell her to back off. It ruined their marriage. My best friend left with nothing. Had no money to speak of and she didn't care. She had to get away from that family. Until your boyfriend decides that he will stand up to his mother, it won't change and I'm telling you it's not worth it and it won't change. I know that is not what you want to hear but if I can spare another woman what my best friend went through , you need to hear it. Do you really want a man in your life who won't stand up for you or himself??? His mother may have good intentions or she may just be a manipulative person too. IF he is willing to listen to her based on a Psychic....run, don't walk and tell him that you love him and when he can cut the apron strings to let you know. It wont be easy but you have your own future to consider. A grown man with a curfew. Think about how that sounds. I know he is stuck because he needs her help but there will come a time that he has to either stand up to her or live the rest of his life this way. Dont let him drag you down in the process. I feel for you on a very real level. I really do and I know it is difficult. Don't waste 10 years of your life like my best friend did. Just think about it and know that it can be better for you.

 

[justdragmedown]

sounds like the mommy is a little controlling. Its a shame is last marriage failed because of his mothers actions, but Im sure there was more to the story. I hope all works out for him. and for him having to be home by 6pm whats up with that. Let him sleep at your place.

 

[dixiewolf]

She sounds like she has some problems. How old is he or did I miss that? I dated a guy 2 years who was 30 and lived at home. I wanted to get a place with him but he said no. He's married now, lives in a trailer (he makes a lot, I dunno). But anywho, his mother was horrible to me too, I never saw his home, he wouldnt let me, she would curse me out if I called him, worst relationship ever. He used to go home also after dates and he lived in another county. I hope it works out for you, b/c I dont know what the beejeesus happened in mine. Just dont let that happen to you. I know what happened but I dont want to hijack the thread.

 

[Aquilah]

Well, we can look at this in a few different ways IMHO.

(1) Say you're together in 5 years - his mom now looks like an ass! Avoiding you because of a fortune teller, only to find out you are the same one 5 years later!

(2) His mom's a controlling meanie, and he needs to let go of HER! While we can't say she's the reason his last marriage failed, it's a good possibility. Has he said why the marriage ended? And if so, does any of it hint towards his mother?

(3) Cut your losses (even if they don't seem as such), and just move on. Easier said than done, but goodness knows that's not going to be a healthy relationship until he has her butting out of his life.

Not to mention, he's a grown man who works and has kids... I can see why he's living at home, but I can only hope it's temporary. To boot, WTF on the curfew?! I don't think I EVER had a curfew of 6pm! That's just insane! And if he "abides" by it, then something just tells me you'll never fully be held in a higher regard than his mother.

 

[debbiedeb77]

realistically, he obviously does not have any boundaries with his mom and thats unhealthy, if he cant make his own decisions by now after one failed marriage and a child than you are probably better off without him

 

[farris2]

Run like hell...it doesnt look as though it would be any different for you two. You dont deserve to be treated that way.

 

[S. Lisa Smith]

You know in your heart what you need to do. It is unforunate and sad, but you deserve better! Good Luck!

 

[boxercurl]

If I were you I would run very fast and very far. His mother is a control freak and the two of you will never be happy because he can't distance himself from his mother and she is always going to be nosing her way in because he will always allow it.

Unless, you can tell him it's either her or you. Not that he can't speak to his mother again but he needs to know it is you and him in the relationship and not he and her. If he can't see that or refuses to put his foot down to his mom, you need to move on.

 

[han]

i agree with farris2