How controlling is too controlling?

[BeneBaby]

Sweets I went through this exact thing. It started out innocent enough and ended really bad. At first I thought his jealousy was a sign of how much he cared about me. It felt good that a guy was so protective. But after a few months things evolved into a dangerous area. He began accusing me everyday of looking at guys. He would have people follow me. He started breaking into my emails. He would measure how far my passenger seat was pushed back, if it was too far he accused me of having a tall guy in the car. He was also very loving and sweet, but I couldn't take it anymore. I always felt like I was going to set him off. I was in a constant state of anxiety. I ended up breaking up with him and GIVING him my car so he would leave me alone.

 

[bronze_chiqz]

As for me, jealousy => controlling => suspicious issues,trust issues, cheating etc...

Ive met a guy 2 yrs back, he's a doctor in his late 20's( introduced by our families).What happened during our courtship for 2 hell months;

1) Once, I sent him an A jokes,more like a sexy jokes to his mobile.He called me right away and asked me If I send this kinda jokes to other guyz as well( wtf?)

2) I was at the coffee shop with him and my bro called me to ask about something.He asked who was it and told him its my bro, he was like 'Y are they checking on u, is this something u used to do, or u'll be going out with other guyz without informing them"

3) We were out at a shopping mall till my old girlfriends bumped into us.They complimented that I look pretty and sexy(I was wearing a pair jeans and a baby tee).Moment later, he asked if girls themselves thought Im sexy, what about guys thoughts of me? He stated he dont like me wearing tee's!!Can u imagine?

4)I can NEVER have any male friends, even after marriage.He asked to cut all the ties with my male colleagues.

5) He doesnt want me to work, reasoning he wants it that way & stressed that's how all the marital affairs will start.

Overall, if he wants it that way, IT HAS TO BE THAT WAY...I coudn't take it anymore and asked him to go and fly kite with someone else. Like Jessica Ann said, me too can never put up with a controlling man.I was living with my strict parentz(till now too lolz) for 26 yrs, my mum especially,controls everything in my life.Ive never really been out to clubs or hang out with friends at nites,dressing, late nite muvies, sleep over ,bf during my teens( now she's bit open coz she's worried I didnt get hitched yet where most of my batch girls had settled down)

(((

Well Mac Whore, dont worry much, I see that both of you still young and need to learn

more in your life.Give a shot, y not if u think u can really change him

 

[lglala84]

uhhmmm yeah he is controlling!

You def. shouldn't think you can change someone b/c as much as you want to believe you can, I think you really can't.

You should discuss this with him. Because I think eventually you will feel sufficated by this. And my friend was in a relationship like this, so was I ...and things can become violent.

So be careful! If you haven't given him any reason for him to feel insecure, he really needs to chill.

 

[masad]

how controlling is controlling..i'll tell you that is controlling!!

i have been in the same situation..

took me four and half years to get out of it and the best part is i never loved the guy not even for one sec but i agreed to his proposal only because everyone said he loved me a lot..

first 10 days were good when i look back at it because i didnt talk to him much!! after that it was a nightmare!!

i wont say he was bad..he wasnt!! he was a good person..but he was insecure!! and he took that out on me!!

i joine a forum..he made an account with different name and would spy on me!!

he would say all the baad stuff if i spoke to a guy..

i cried every night..

when i tried leavig him he would cry and say i did this for you i did that for you!! fuc**KKK i got soo pissed off!!..

but at the end..how i got rid of him was i got engaged to someone!! and then i told him now leave me alone.. and he did!!

even though he said we will be friends..i said ok..he send me emails later..with all the crap..congrats and let by goners b goners subject thing..i didnt care and didnt give a damn!! i just hated myself when i was with him!! he was controlling..dont do that dont do this..a$$hole..i swear!! sorry bad language but its not comfortable..i could not live with him!!

and now i have found the perfect man..my fiance...he feels jealous but for ryt reason..he knows i have male friends ..he knows all about them..and he doesnt say anything..

he told me once..i will not stop you from anything just becareful around guys,not all guys are nice!! thats it!! he is amazing!!

4 and half year ..and no happiness...complete waste of time and energy!!

tell him to get his act straight!!

it will only get worse!!

i have been there..i know!!

 

[Killah Kitty]

Hm I think he is really controlling. I am sort of in a reverse situation like this, I am the one being controlling, so I dont know if telling you about it will be any help?

Well Ill try make long story short, we been together almost 2 years, and Ive really made a change in him, and yes a big part of it is maturity and also the types of friends you have. In the beginning he cheated on me twice, kissed two other girls, and up to a year and half he would always be hittin on other girls, through MSN and the internet mainly, and Id always be finding out. He always said it will be different now, but make no change, so I got fed up with it (and didnt want to be controlling - Im not naturally I dont like to be, I am a little insecure but its not so bad... it doesnt help all the ladies want him and he can get whoever he wants!)

So I broke up with him, we'd had little breaks before but they never made a difference. Once I left him he must've realized, cuase I was trying hard to cut him right off but he called and called and tried to contact me through the internet for 3 weeks straight. So we talked and talked, all night a couple times. He said he wanted to be with me forever.

He basically volunteered himself into it, he deleted a lot of his things off the internet like his facebook, and deleted tons of girls off his MSN, because he clear came out and said yea he was sending messages, hitting on girls, acting single. Because I already knew anyways. He stopped talking to certain girls and friends we knew, or he knew, because their actually had been things going on, and he wanted to stop that because he didnt want to hurt me or lose me. I dont talk to many people either, and some he told me to stop talking to, I dont go partying anymore, so he has stopped too. He only kept his MSN and myspace, and voluntarily gave me his passwords, he wants me to trust him again lol, so he doesnt care if Im being a little controlling now he said, because he understands its because of things he did...and we both know that if we stay exclusive to each other it wont be so controlling, our controlling issues kind of goes both ways sometimes lol, we just need that trust back and we are willing to work on it because we are totally in love with each other lol.

So at least our issues are not just over suspicions, if you have good reasons to be controlling it can be justified and in the end the problem solved when trust builds again, it just takes time.

But being jelous or controlling just because he had a bad relationship before (my bf was like this for a year, he thought I'd be like another girl he dated for a year, he walked in on her sleeping with somone else) is not a good reason, neither is just suspicions, if there is really nothing going on this has to be proven and trust has to be there and you gotta get it through his head lol if you think its worth it. Tell him over and over your with him and you love him and let him to ease up remind him you haven't cheated on him or anything!

I dont know if I got any good points across, and this long story isnt very short anymore lol so Ill stop now. Just decide what feels right in your heart, sometimes changes and sacrifices are made, and things turn out better. Sometimes time just smooths everything into place, along with maturity. Its your decision, if you cant live with it, leave!!! He will realize what he had and chase you if he trully loves you, and if not I dont think Id be worried if I was as hot as you!

 

[farris2]

Originally Posted by mac-whore /img/forum/go_quote.gif hi ladies. well, i've been in a relationship for the past year.. and there's been a ton of good times but, at the same time it's also been a struggle. for the most part, he's a wonderful guy. incredibly thoughtful & romantic. very sensitive & loving.. but, he's also VERY jealous and controlling. when we go out in public, i'm constantly being accused of *looking* at other guys.. when 1) i'm not.. and 2) it really bothers me that this is even an issue for him. i couldn't have a myspace page for a great deal of my relationship. now, i have one.. after convincing him that i need to get in touch with old friends, but he has the password to it, he reads my messages before i do, he controls every aspect of my page.. and gets mad and yells at me when guys write or try to add me. i definately can't go out on the weekends with friends, and definately can't go to any clubs/parties. if i don't keep in touch with him every hour he gets mad and causes an argument. it really does get overbearing at times. in his defense, he dosen't have a myspace.. go to clubs or parties or anything that he asks me not to do.. and that's his personal choice. other than his jealousy & control issues he's incredibly loving.. but, sometimes i wonder if his issues are a sign of something to come.. or if they can be worked on. my family and friends don't like him at all. i love him so much but, sometimes i feel like his insecurities are just too much to deal with. what do you girls think?? i feel like i have changed, in a sense.. and my friends are kind of seperating themselves from me. i don't want to leave him.. but, what else could i possibly do in this situation to make it better?? any advice would be appreciated. Sweetie...you need to get away from him before something really bad happends.I've seen this very thing happen and it didnt turn out well at all.

Originally Posted by BeneBaby /img/forum/go_quote.gif Sweets I went through this exact thing. It started out innocent enough and ended really bad. At first I thought his jealousy was a sign of how much he cared about me. It felt good that a guy was so protective. But after a few months things evolved into a dangerous area. He began accusing me everyday of looking at guys. He would have people follow me. He started breaking into my emails. He would measure how far my passenger seat was pushed back, if it was too far he accused me of having a tall guy in the car. He was also very loving and sweet, but I couldn't take it anymore. I always felt like I was going to set him off. I was in a constant state of anxiety. I ended up breaking up with him and GIVING him my car so he would leave me alone. That sucks that you gave him your car though...but did it get the effect you wanted? Thats all that matters.

 

[amandabelle]

Not much advice to give, it seems you already got it all from all the other lovely ladies : ]...

But good luck, I hope everything works out for the best for ya!

 

[xjudyx]

i was dealing with the exact thing u are right now. im gonna pm you k?

 

[puncturedskirt]

Wow, He's definitely controlling! and I agree with Kelly!..

You can't change anyone. He has to WANT to change on his own.

 

[tanglebogus]

I would suggest that you get out of the relationship NOW! I have been married to a controlling man for 23 years and it only gets worse as they get older. There is a definate trust issue there and I dont think that any relationship can thrive and grow if there is not trust. I am in the process of divorce, I am so angry at myself that I wasted so many years being unhappy and near the end affraid and that I subjected my children to it. I finally realized that I have value and never deserved to be treated that way!

 

[2old2care]

Well since you asked..I've been married for almost 30 years and it only gets worse. Extreme control is abuse. It only escalates, and alot of times it results in something unimaginable. Get out now, while you still have the chance.

 

[HughMcRoller]

Defienetly going worse and worse. But thing is to know if its worth trying or not.