I Don't Understand Guys...

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Jun 5, 2005
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Sorry for posting this here since it may be a little too sensitive for some readers but I don't have the 30 posts to get into the Love and Sex Forum...

About a month ago my brother had me meet a guy he works with. We "unofficially" went out on a date to a couple of bars with another mutual guy friend. He was very nice to me and reached around the seat and touched my leg to say goodbye and that it was nice meeting me when the night was over. Sunday nite, of that weekend, he said he was confused about his old gf, apparently they had just broken up a week before, and didn't know what to do. I was upset since I really liked him. I finally told myself I would give it one last shot and asked him if he wanted to go to the drive-in. The answer was no because he had to get up early the next morning for a fishing tourn. However, he did ask me to come over to his house for pizza and a movie. I was a little taken aback since he didn't want to go to the movies but asked me to come over there. Anyway, I ended up staying until 5am. We didn't have sex, but that was mostly my doing because I thought it was too fast. However, we did, of course, make out a lot. He is hot ladies!
He explained to me and we talked about it, that he didn't really want a girlfriend. He wanted to be able to do his own thing. I think I had realized by then that we weren't going to fit for a long term relationship anway. (You know when you just have that feeling about someone and you know it isn't going to be anything serious; ie love or marriage) I called him a couple of times after that nite to see if he wanted to do something and the answer was always no, I'm doing this or I'm doing that. Finally, after another week he confessed he was seeing some other girl. I don't know for how long. I was pissed and told him off. I said there was absolutely no reason to lie to me at all. I told him I was totally honest with him and that I thought it was disrespectful. I told him to have a nice life. I decided as much as I was attracted to him that shit was not acceptable and that was the last I talked to him.

His mother died last week suddenly and I heard about it from my brother. I sent him a card. He called me Tuesday and left me a message thanking me for the card and to call him back. I really didn't want to call him back and start anything again. He called again 2 hours later but didn't leave a message. I decided to call him the next morning on my way to work. I left a message on his cell since he was working. He called me Wednesday nite and we talked for a little while and before we said goodbye he said 'well, call me anytime.' I was really shocked because he had never said that before. I really didn't know why he wanted to talk to me anyway. He had said thank you for the card on my machine..so what else was there to say? (I was hoping he was going to give me a chance this time) I found out from a friend later that nite that he was at the fair. My parents were going so I decided to go with them. I ended up calling him and meeting up with him at the fair. He was bringing me home when he said something about going to his house. He told me right then he was still seeing that girl and that he wasn't lying to me this time. We sat in my driveway and talked about it for a few mins and he asked me if I wanted to go to his house and I said yes. He said he wouldn't behave unless I wanted him too and he was actually starting to bite his nails...hahaha...I think he was getting nervous. I told him I was not driving to his house and if he wanted me to come over he had to bring me home. He had to be to work at 3:30 am so he would have to drive me home at 3am. He decided it was worth it..haha. He also mentioned that this was just friends and that it wasn't going to happen every day because she woud be up sometimes (she lives in Vermont; we live in NY). So, blah blah, long story short we had sex this time.

I called him the next day and asked him if he wanted to go over to my brother's land and see the road he made (guys like that shit I guess) but of course, as before, the answer was, 'well, I gotta take a shower and go see dad, etc.' We had a little discussion about why he never wants to do anything and nothing really came of that discussion. So, after that phone call last nite I decided this is the same shit I went through with him before and it sucks and it just isn't worth calling him.

This is my question: What is this guy thinking? Why do guys do this? Why is one girl good enough to "officially" date and another is just good enough to invite over for sex? What is going on in their heads? (Tony, not that you do this, but you may be the only guy reading this so enlighten me please!) I'm not a beauty queen and I am not pencil thin but I am smart and funny and I am a nice person, so what gives? He is hot and I find him very attractive and even though I can't see a long term serious relationship with him, it does hurt my feelings that for some reason he doesn't think I am "date-worthy" material. I don't get it.
A friend of mine said he is just using me but I told her maybe I am just using him too, but if he were to ask me right now if I wanted to "officially" date I would say yes. I guess even tho I know it wouldn't work out in the long run, just to know he was thinking of me that way makes me feel better than to think he just wants to have sex. What gives? Help!

Hi Lorrine..

I went thru that. Hurts don't it? Especially when you feel some sort of chemistry. I agree with Charmaine.. this guy is using you. Either that, or he does not think enough of you (or anyone else) to be honest and straightforward from the getgo. I wonder if he told this "other girl" about you. I bet he didn't! And if he would do that.. can you be sure you would trust this guy later on if you did "date".. I can't say i would. He sounds like he is getting for "himself" for whatever reason.. You can have fun too, be he isn't respecting you by being upfront.. so i would question if he ever COULD be!!! Run! RUN! RUN!.. Oh, and another thing.. i hope you dont get mad at me for this. But why would you want him to give YOU a chance??? If i read it wrong, i apologize.. he should be wanting YOU to give HIM a chance..

I think you are a better person then you realize. This guy aint worth it.. and you're worth too much to waste time with this player..


OMG., I can't believe you gave it up to this moron, why were you so eager to jump his bones??? (why cause he's cute??? - big deal)....Reason being, YOU had feelings, or thought you had feelings for this jerk, he was probably telling you things "you" wanted to hear....right?, ~ Maybe you guys had a few "shots" - you were relaxed, etc..... but........with HIM????.( & the majority...).. YOU were just another piece of ass! (sorry to say) - It's a conquest.... he did his thing.(& WON) , got what HE wanted., now, he wants nothing to do w/you..(there's nothing left) ..Do what you gotta do....put him at the curb - he's a user ! ~ chalk it up to experience...~ I hate to sound cruel., but that's how they act... You have to be a challenge!!! Make the S.O.B.'s crawl on their knees for you !!!! - I rest my case !
Everything you have all said makes sense. It makes sense but it sucks.

Yeah, I thought it was pretty damn shitty he lied to me about seeing the other girl and then is cheating on her with me. However, I guess it is pretty shitty of me too because he told me he was going out with someone else and I slept with him anyway. WTF tho, why is he "dating" her and I am just like a play toy? WTF!!!
(MacForMe - I was also thinking as you said, why would i want to date him anyway if he is cheating on her - he would prolly cheat on me too)

I feel like I was using him too BUT I do think I think much more of him than he does of me. I would never ever have sex with a person once for the conquest and then blow them off like they aren't even alive. I may be sleeping with him and it isn't a serious relationship (long term) but I still think he is a person. I don't understand the whole "notch in the headboard concept" with guys.

This *ucking sucks! I could call him on this shit the next time he calls me but what is the point. He will mumble and ramble on and tell me he isn't good at talking like this and it won't sink in. I guess I can't really yell at him for being a cheater and a liar when I am not innocent in this either.

Ya know.. i just realized something.. If you're having fun, thats fine. Why can the guys do it and get away with it.. But if WE do it.. then we are sl*ts, wh*res etc.. but them?? they get high 5's from their friends on how cool they are.. ARGH!

Well, i say this.. do what you wanna do.. but since you seem to know the rules of this game, play along, but protect yourself and dont get emotionally involved.. cuz they you WILL get hurt.. and thats not fair to you either..

This guy wants sex and freedom, bottom line. He's using her too. Look he says he's dating her but how was he respecting her if he's having sex with you. This guy is toxic. When he turns you down, he's doing you a favor. Cut this toxic guy out of your life and save yourself a lot of heart ache on someone whos not looking for what your looking for. I know, it sucks.

Honestly Lorrine, it doesn't seem like you are using him or are just in it for 'fun'. You have feelings for the guy - and usually... when you are in it for a 'no strings attached' kind of thing... there are no feelings like that. That's the whole point with a 'friends with benefits' relationship - neither has feelings for the other, but in this case - you do... and if he wanted to date you, you would. So it's really not a mutual "oh lets hang out for fun" perspective. I would just let this guy go - he has lied, has been seeing more than one person, and seems to be using you when his other girl isn't around. You deserve much better than that.

Thank you for all the support. I really needed to post my dilema on here and get different perspectives. Sometimes it is hard to see past ones own viewpoint until you hear others.

He hasn't called me yet, and I have been strong and haven't called him.
I really do think he will call tho. It seems to have played out like that so far. I know it is awful, but I haven't decided what I will do when he does. I was proud of myself for giving this shit up with him before when he lied but after sending him the sympathy card since his mom died, it has done nothing but start shit again, and now, it looks like I have to stop this shit again. Arg!

I keep thinking that somewhere the right guy for me is out there. Maybe we are just both waiting for each other, although we don't know who that right person is. Sounds kinda corny but I have to keep my hopes up.

Thanks for all the support and thoughts.

WHY he does this is unimportant, whats important is how you can protect yourself from becoming just one of his conquests. dont give him any of your time, being with him will NOT give you what you want and the sooner you stop illuding yourself and realise this the better. no, he wont change his mind, and even if he does, do you want to be with a cheater? didnt think so. respect yourself girl, and the right person will come along.

I wouldn´t give that guy one more minute of my time! Not even just for sex, no matter how good looking he is. Not to be harsh but I think he has proved that he doesn´t respect you as a person (by lying and so on), and sadly don´t find you that attractive either (then he wouldn´t make up lame excuses for not seeing you, he would try to lure you in to changing the plans of doing something together in to get you over there to have sex with him again). I would never have just sex with someone that doesn´t respect me or finds me really attractive. I have done that when I was younger, but I have learned my lesson.

Sorry but I think he´s just using you for cheap sex when he´s extra horny and don´t have anything better around. You are just convenient to him. Some guys unfortunately is that bad, he probably thinks he´s doing YOU a favor as well.

Find a nice guy instead, someone that respect you and finds you desirable, even if its just for sex. You deserve that. Respect yourself that much.


I am sorry to hear about this, but I have to agree with everyone else. He is using you. I would not wait for his phone call to call him on it, frankly I dont thing he gives a damn. You should not either. Cut your losses, and go on. If he calls, dont even go off on him, dont waste your breath ( I agree with Karen), All you would be doing is giving him a chance to talk his way out of it. I dont think you can "Play" with this guy, you are already too involved (coming from someone who has just *had fun with someone only before* and I could not have given a damn about whether I really saw him again. That is how you know you are not emotionally involved.

I am not trying to sound mean, I just think there is better for you out there.

Wow, this guy is just a typical player. He isn't looking for anything but someone to have sex with and to be at his beckon call. Unfortunately you have played that part for him. He is making all the rules, you ask him to do something, he says no. Then he says, "okay, jump" and you reply "how high?". Show him that you are a respectable smart lady who is onto his game and is better than that. Make him think he isn't worth your time and too immature to be a part of your life. Trust me, the man for you will come out of nowhere when you aren't even looking. When he calls, because you know he will, when you talk to him, make it short and be very sweet, then tell him you have to go and will talk to him later. Then don't call. Leave it at that. Don't waste your time letting him have it because it will make no effect on him. He might call again if you don't but just keep letting him think you just don't have time for him. And then you can focus on finding someone better.

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