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Dear Carol,
I read your story and wow! I really feel for you. I am so sorry your life was what is was. I can relate somewhat in a different way. Instead of my wife not accepting it was my kids. I have a set of twins. A boy and a girl. They are now 23 and not living at home. When they were my daughter always told me she had no problems with me dressing as I did so 24/7. We, I thought had fun...matching outfits, getting our hair done together, etc. My son said he didn't have problems with it either and we all as a family went to therapy. The therapist said they were very well adjusted. When my son was in about 9th grade he blew up at me one day saying he never had a REAL father and he didn't agree with my lifestyle. So then I stopped dressing around him cause I felt uncomfortable. My daughter, well, it's a long story with too much to type but she short version is she got with a guy that wasn't right for her and brainwashed her against her family. She left home in her senior year in high school to move in with the guy and his mother. She sent me an email saying how she thought I was weird and that she wished I was a "normal" father. Anyway, it left me depressed and all kinds of thoughts went through my head. Now that the kids are gone I can dress whenever I want to except when I go to my son's house. All, I can do is move foward and do the best I can. If you ever need someone to "listen" I am hear.
I read your story and wow! I really feel for you. I am so sorry your life was what is was. I can relate somewhat in a different way. Instead of my wife not accepting it was my kids. I have a set of twins. A boy and a girl. They are now 23 and not living at home. When they were my daughter always told me she had no problems with me dressing as I did so 24/7. We, I thought had fun...matching outfits, getting our hair done together, etc. My son said he didn't have problems with it either and we all as a family went to therapy. The therapist said they were very well adjusted. When my son was in about 9th grade he blew up at me one day saying he never had a REAL father and he didn't agree with my lifestyle. So then I stopped dressing around him cause I felt uncomfortable. My daughter, well, it's a long story with too much to type but she short version is she got with a guy that wasn't right for her and brainwashed her against her family. She left home in her senior year in high school to move in with the guy and his mother. She sent me an email saying how she thought I was weird and that she wished I was a "normal" father. Anyway, it left me depressed and all kinds of thoughts went through my head. Now that the kids are gone I can dress whenever I want to except when I go to my son's house. All, I can do is move foward and do the best I can. If you ever need someone to "listen" I am hear.
Originally Posted by Carol D. /img/forum/go_quote.gif
Since this thread has revived, I'll throw my long-winded, potentially boring-to-tears two cents worth too. Here's my personal soap opera.
I got married young, I was 21, my wife 20. I told her about my crossdressing several months before the wedding and suggested that we might want to reconsider getting married, as she didn't react well at all. I probably should have told her sooner, but it was the early 1970's and it just wasn't discussed back then, but she had dressed me as a woman for Halloween the year before and clearly enjoyed it, so I thought she would be cool with my revelation. Wow, was I WRONG. She let me know in no uncertain terms that we would get married and that I would not crossdress anymore, and since I was young, in love and didn't yet know that gender identity stuff is forever and won't be ignored, I agreed. I went cold turkey for a couple years after getting married, but eventually brought the subject up again, as I felt like I was dying inside, and was again met with a brick wall of resistance: there was no option for any sort of compromise. We lasted about 4 years and divorced.
I've stayed single since then as I didn't want to go through that Hell again, as it really hurt. My wife responded to my crossdressing by having an affair on the side, and it really crushed me. As a kid, I was beaten by a neighbor lady and also my father for crossdressing when I was 5 or 6, so I already had esteem issues over dressing, and the failed wedding and my wife's cheating added to them, big time. I still have esteem issues.
I did eventually get to the point of going to support group meetings when I was 24, and things improved significantly. But I still had a problem: I'm 6'5" tall in my bare feet, so I wasn't about to fool anyone if I went out in public, so I never did that much. When I went out, it was almost always at night to go to support group meetings and activities or to go to a friendly nightclub or bar. I've been out in the daytime maybe two or three times, and they mainly involved driving to some event for the community. Driving in my car didn't take that much courage, although I nearly freaked once when a cop car pulled up right next to me at a stoplight. I was sure I was going to be dragged from the car and beaten or something. To my relief, nothing happened, of course.
My days of going out a lot were from the late 1980's through 1999. Beginning in 1998, I began spending more and more time at my father's house helping him with things around the house as his health began declining. By 2000, I was spending way more time at his house than at my apartment, and his health issues got worse, so he and my brother asked me to move in with dad and take care of him full time. I did that until 2004 when he passed away at age 90. Since I wasn't out to my family, I again suppressed my feminine side while I took care of dad, and since he passed, it's been a huge struggle to get back to where I was before I moved back in with him. I buried my real self so deeply, I've had trouble uncovering it again and dealt with depression. It's also been a struggle for me to recover from watching up close as my dad slowly fade away for four years.
Now I'm at a point in life where I'm no spring chicken anymore, and I'm totally fed up with not dressing the way I want to, so I'm contemplating trying some daylight excursions even though I know I won't be fooling anyone. All I want now is to be tolerated, and given how the world has changed in respect to trans issues, I think that may be a realistic goal. I need to work on my presentation a bit, as I'm older and heavier now. I don't want to look ridiculous. I had a straight guy laugh and point at me once back when I used to go out nightlifing, and it really hurt, don't want to repeat that. But on the bright side, I had several people tell me that I was beautiful back then, so I guess I ought to concentrate on that instead of the one a**hole who ridiculed me.
Now, I just want to work out a presentable, tastefully dressed late middle-aged female look that's appropriate. And I'm working on losing weight, that's a biggie for me. I can't fit into a lot of my old clothes, so it's calorie-counting time.
But the look is the relatively easy part. Getting the nerve to let the world know about me is the really hard part that I'm working mightily on.
I've always wished that I could just go about my business dressed the way I want to like Karren and other brave souls, and I'm working on getting that mindset as my own. Karren, you're truly an inspiration to me! I want to grow up to be just like you.
But enough downer stuff. In the last few months, the clouds have begun lifting and I'm feeling my old self coming back. I used to LOVE experimenting with makeup, bought WAY too much back in the good, old days, played with it a lot, and I'm getting back into that again, just not to the point of excess. I'm feeling quite upbeat currently, and hope things will continue getting better.
Carol
