Does anybody just never 'fit in' ?

[BeautifullyMADE]

Mindy everything you said sounds like you took a tour of my brain... I have been thinking of how I only have 2 friends and my hubb and thats it. I never fitted with the 'in crowd.' I've don't really prefer it because I'd like more outgoing persona, but I have to accept who I am.

I've noticed that most people are just going to be distant from others. You and I have so much in common it's scary. I've feared for the longest about being by myself, not having enough friends, and just not understanding why I'm not "likeable"

I don't wanna make this super loong..so can I can i pm you to talk more??

 

[AngelaGM]

If you feel like you need to talk please IM or PM me. I feel as though I was in your same shoes up until a few years ago.

 

[MindySue]

Originally Posted by BeautifullyMADE /img/forum/go_quote.gif Mindy everything you said sounds like you took a tour of my brain... I have been thinking of how I only have 2 friends and my hubb and thats it. I never fitted with the 'in crowd.' I've don't really prefer it because I'd like more outgoing persona, but I have to accept who I am.
I've noticed that most people are just going to be distant from others. You and I have so much in common it's scary. I've feared for the longest about being by myself, not having enough friends, and just not understanding why I'm not "likeable"

I don't wanna make this super loong..so can I can i pm you to talk more??

Yes please.Im glad you feel the same as I do, and everyone else. Even though, if there are so many of us like this..why don't I see more people like that here? I could easily befriend someone like me...

Originally Posted by AngelaGM /img/forum/go_quote.gif If you feel like you need to talk please IM or PM me. I feel as though I was in your same shoes up until a few years ago. What changed?

 

[AngelaGM]

Hmmm I got more comfortable in my own skin. I would love to be able to IM you soon=)

 

[Shelley]

Mindy I can relate to what you are saying.

From a young age I was young I shy and introverted. I've always been this way but now I am worse. The reason why I feel worse now is from severe trauma I experienced. I tend to keep to myself or push people away because I feel self conscious, fearing what will they think of me, especially after what I went through etc. I know I am doing this on purpose so I won't be hurt. I am trying to learn to open up to others and it's not always easy. Slowly I am starting to open up more, it takes time. So yes I can relate to some of what you are saying. Your not alone in this. Were here for you! Hugs.

Sorry I didn't mean to hijack your thread I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this.

 

[magosienne]

i think we all experience that at some point.

*i apologise for my long post*

you know that little girl always left behind when the sport teacher says "split into 2 teams"? the one a team gets because we need the same number of team members, a cannonball attached to the others' feet? well that was me. as my dad is a military we had to move a lot. so i didn't have the chance of building childhood friendships since kindergarten, i never had my own room in my parents' house, etc... this was causing me a lot of trouble, especially as a kid because i was extremely shy and afraid of many things. when my parents got invited for dinner, i'd go with a book and spend my time reading when not eating. i tried to open myself to the world, and be like the others, just to have someone to invite for a birthday party. as i tried to fit in, i became friends with people, i was always there for an ink cartridge, a spare pen or spare paper. but i wasn't there for everything else. so as i grew up, i kind of realised the more you try to fit in, the more you're... not rejected, but wrongly perceived. now i'm trying to be just myself, and f*ck the others if they're not ok with that. i have a small groups of friends at uni. we don't see much each other but we're a small group that still seats together in classes after five years of uni, different courses and friends who didn't pass their year, and some who did.

my friends also know i'm really not an extrovert, that i need my time alone just to be at one with myself. they know if i'm sometimes distant it's only because i respect their privacy. they also know if they call me for a sushi bar at dinner, i'll usually make myself available.

i don't have any particular advice, except hang on. i know for me friendships take time to become solid, so i try to take it easy.

i will finish with something my dad told me when i was a kid and happened to be true : you may have many acquaintances, but you will only have a handful true friends. i understand your need of having more friends, i feel the same, but in the same time i feel happy i already have some even if we're not talking much to each other or often.

 

[Curiosity]

I know exactly how you feel. Although the Summer had ended, I was happy at the thought of going back to college and making friends with some of the new people. We had 2 induction days, in which we were able to get to know the others. We were encouraged to ask questions and answer them, nevertheless I soon gave up because I eventually became fed up of the one word answers. I know people are shy, but I'm just as shy...so I don't understand why people can't make the effort.

However, now I have been at college for almost two months but I can honestly say I have not made that many friends. I try, but it always seems as though some of the more popular people 'capture' people; I am all for making friends, however I do not like to buy people, as some do. I do feel lonely, especially in some of my classes where there are people I hardly know. It always seems as though any attempt, I try to make friends completely backfires.

I remember feeling like this since primary school and whilst I do have some lovely friends, I just wish I could find a friend who was shared the same interests as me. Whilst I am into beauty,make up and other things, the friends I have are not genuinely interested in that.

Sorry, I rambled on; I just wanted to let you know, you're not the only one

 

[CellyCell]

ugh im annoyed - had i had commented while back but my net timed out and i had to rush to work. luckily, i copied it before hand haha

Well, Skank...

...Nox gave some great advice there and here is my two cents.

You know we got lots in common so of course you know I'm shy as well - because I was never comfortable in my appearance and had low self-esteem for the longest I tended to shut myself out when meeting new people. Even until this day, I literally get tensed up and tongue tied when speaking to people I've never met - more specifically when I'm "forced" to meet them. Like, my friend's new boyfriend or something. Paranoia comes through me as well - I have a feeling of them making snap judgements about me.

I don't know about you - but I tend to get bored easily, so out of that habit - it has made my ass want to speak with people. I have this "class clown" mouth that just gets the best of me and gets me noticed. In college, we're made to sit with strangers - so by proximity - I make small chat with those. Usually starting about school and what their major is and what classes they're taking. Whatever your choice - I'm sure you have no difficulty making small talk. The key is NOT to make quick judgements about them because you think they're not the same like you or get paranoid that they don't want to talk to you. I don't know how to tell you to stop - it's a gradual thing that gets easier to get a hold of the more often you do it. Anyways, I know you're pretty funny - so USE THAT!

Trust me, humor gets people to ease up around you. None of that intellectual stuff, haha. Don't think about "fitting in" - you can conquer that hurdle later on. Just get use to making acquaintences for now, even if you have enough. I notice you have a tendency to push people away who don't share the same "morals/beliefs" as you - which is good to weed out potential drama but look at it as opposites attract sometimes. My one best friend and I are opposites when it comes to how we like to have fun - she goes to parties and clubs plus she flirts with a bunch of guys. I don't agree much with that lifestyle, but she's the outgoing one for us both - but our common interest was that we laughed at a lot of things. I would never have imagined being friends with the former "high school cheerleader"... she's much more popular than I am. But because I'm goofy and never let drama get to me, we clicked. And trust me, I hated her when we first met because I thought she was one of them stuck up folks and judgemental. So goes to show as well, that people are different when you give them a chance.

You say you are willing to make small talk and try to make friends but they just don't give you the time or day? Loosen up... I bet it has to do with your approach, how you speak, mannerisms - whatever it is. Maybe folks see you as stuck up or you give out a *****y vibe? Haha - it happens, I've been told many a times that I look like a beeyatch but am the complete opposite when they speak to me... but knowing that has made me change my expressions and approach to folks. When someone looks at you - smile. If you roll your eyes often, quit it... raise your eyebrow in disapprovals? Botox that shit. Haha.

There's a reason why you don't get picked for partners or being approached, it's because you don't make the effort to make your presence be known. Now, I'm not saying be the center of attention - I've done that at college because of my mouth and everyone thought because I am vocal - that they can easily approach me. That's good and all but certain people I was like, "um... go away". Right? Haha.

I would say more but I'm going to be late for work.

 

[pinksugar]

minders, how you feel now is how I felt in high school. I don't know what it is that just made me so uncool and non fitting in like there. But, I will tell you that it was their attitude too. I wore glasses, I had braces, they partially assumed i would be a nerd, and so to an extent i was, in that I cared about marks and didn't go out and get drunk during the week and slag around with 10 different guys!

basically, at some point, you will find your niche where there are people like you, and you will relax because you'll realise that you are who you are, and you're happy with that. it's taken me a long time to feel comfortable and at ease with my own personality, but i've stopped beating up on myself. Anyone who thinks I'm not 'cool' enough is an ******* who hasn't got over highschool!

I think you need to have faith in yourself and your personality more - this will take time, but when you feel at ease, you will naturally 'fit in'.

Here is a technique you might find helpful - I use it at work when I don't have anything in common with the group im in. I look to see who in that group is not talking, who seems a bit down, and then I ask them if they're alright, or say 'you seem quiet today'. People love to talk about themselves so give them the opportunity and they'll feel closer to you.

Don't give up hope - you'll find that place where you do belong and then you'll realise that it wouldn't have mattered what your personality was like - you'd never have fitted in because the people at college or high school or whatever just didn't suit you, and there's nothing wrong with that!

please don't be sad, you have a beautiful smile and I like to think of you sharing it with the people around you!

 

[CandyApple]

Your post really struck me! Don't worry your not the only one! I've had the same problem throughout my life making friends, and when I did they were jealous girls that would always backstab, I've dealt with this , my whole life, with my last job I was super nice and outgoing to all the girls at my work, and in the end I found out they were talking behind my back and I saw their super malicious sides come out. I've never understood why it's so hard for me to meet a bunch of solid sincere girl friends. I'm beginning to think it's a whole lot easier to be friends with guys as opposed to the catty girls I always meet. I need advice as well, and I'm sorry I can't give you any, because I'm in the exact same position as you I always wondered if I was the only one?!?It's hard for me too because at the clothing boutique I work at now, I feel like the girls I work with are acquaintances , I don't feel like they are true friends, I would be willing to get to know them better, and I strike up conversations all the time, but it's really hard and I guess a friendship connection is either there or not, so I don't know. I just wish someday I can have a really close knit group of loyal friends!

 

[NYchic]

I am just going to say it's because a lot of girls are straight up *****es and mean. Girls are very very catty and it is VERY HARD to find good friends. I don't have a lot of friends now but when I did, they talked about everyone even each other and then I find out they were talking about me too. I ditched them. It's better to have no friends than to have bad friends. And don't worry and assume there is something about you that people don't try to befriend. It's just that people basically are wrapped in their own lives and don't have time. And you said you have a boyfriend, at least you have that.

And the only advice I am going to give you is that you will be happy and actually make friends when you are comfortable with yourself and like yourself. Basically when you stop trying to please others and giving a shyt what they think of you. I have been through SO much in my life that I realize I like myself, am tough and I don't give a fu** what other people think of me. Love yourself first/

 

[farris2]

Yes I know how you feel Mindy...my situation is happening now.It has been going on since I met my husband.All the other moms at all of Jason's games just pretty much ignore me,and when they do look my way,they look at me like I'm some hoochie golddigger. Its ok though,and I think the people you are dealing with are just jealous and intimidated.

 

[La_Mari]

Originally Posted by CandyApple /img/forum/go_quote.gif I'm beginning to think it's a whole lot easier to be friends with guys as opposed to the catty girls I always meet. I noticed that too... every guy I meet seems to become my friend because girls aren't friendly enough to get to know me. I'm more comfortable talking to guys anyway, they're hella fun to hang out with. Plus they treat you like a princess, even though they don't get anything out of it, lol.

 

[CellyCell]

Girls are most deff catty and boys are better to hang out with.

But close girlfriends are irreplaceable. In the end, it doesn't matter the sex - it's the person.

 

[kitsune89]

Originally Posted by CellyCell /img/forum/go_quote.gif Girls are most deff catty and boys are better to hang out with. But close girlfriends are irreplaceable. In the end, it doesn't matter the sex - it's the person.

I agree close girlfriends are definitely irreplaceable. The sad thing is in highschool I felt like I had found my other half and we became best friends, but her mom is over- protective and if you hurt her little girl even a little she would call you out. One time she even went to my moms work interrupted her teaching and told my mom lies about me and basically got me into trouble. Lets say now we are friends, but not as close as we were and she still doesn't know that it was mostly her moms fault.

 

[veilchen]

I can also relate very well and am struck that there are so many people experiencing the same. Now I feel that I'm not alone anymore with this ...

I've always been more of a loner and never needed many people around me, but of course I always longed for a handful of really good friends, not just schoolmates or acquaintances, but people who would stand by me when I needed them, who'd support me no matter what, but maybe that is asking too much in this modern fast-spinning world where everyone just wants to have fun and relationships with no strings attached. I don't know ...

Back in school, I had one best friend but when we had finished high school we grew apart, I went to university and she married and moved to another country. We tried to keep the friendship going but it just didn't work - we didn't have anything in common anymore and to be honest, we also didn't care much for the other anymore. I didn't have any other close friends at school because most of the girls were just mean and we didn't have the slightest thing in common. And I didn't even want to pretend to be like them to gain access to their groups. I never wanted to be like them or be together with them ... My mum always thought I was an alien not to have friends since my cousin made tons of really good friends back in school and is still friends with them 10 years later! And they're good friends indeed, whenever he needs them they all come around, they go out together, travel together, etc

I feel so like you - I'm not a terrible person or anything, I don't stalk people or pressure them into meeting all the time, but still I don't ever get a connection to someone else. I have three good friends (2 from uni and one from my last job), not best friends, but still good friends - yet I hardly ever see them because we either live too far apart to visit each other often or go out together, or they are too busy with whatever, etc. I haven't seen any of them in the past 6 months!

When I try to make new friends and we at first get on really well, they just don't pursue the friendship anymore sooner or later - don't call back, don't reply to an email and after some time I of course give it up too because if they don't want to or too busy and have too many other friends to look after, then they don't want to - I can't change it and I will never ever force myself on others. A good friendship takes an effort just like a relationship, but obviously most don't want to invest in it.

I would so wish for one best friend, but obviously circumstances are against it or I just never met the right person. I think it's to a great extent the latter - just as with a boyfriend, you need to find the right one.

 

[empericalbeauty]

Everyone gave very good advice so I wont bore you with mine but I will say, I was in your boat. Hell it got really bad that I would hide behind my hair (I literally looked like the chick from The Ring). But I realized that if i go through life expecting friends to flock to me, I will never have any. So little by little, i started speaking out more in public places. getting noticed by potential friends. and before long, I was known as the self proclaimed shy girl who really isn't that shy. Its all baby steps. Don't try to put yourself in situations that are uncomfortable. If you don't feel comfortable talking to a particular group of people, its not a must you talk to THOSE people. after all, your comfort first. But you should still try to be more outspoken in public places so you don't ...blend(?) in with everyone else. Distinguish yourself.

 

[Anthea]

Mindy, my heart sank when I read your post as it pretty much describes me to the letter. Ever since I've been small and to this day I've been the odd one out, always on the outer. I feel I am a nice genuine caring person but I can never seem to make that connection, there is something about me that people just don't like.

I am alone, middle aged very shy straight transgender. I don't see any hope for me finding a partner and the few friends I had (non TG) now won't talk to me.

I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions, Im sure you will find that someone, a friend or a partner that you will connect too, I just feel for you and you are not alone in this.

 

[Solimar]

Here's a story, though a bit different than yours. I can relate to how you feel, definitely.

For whatever reason, people always liked me. I didn't start noticing how people always wanted to be around me until I was older, though. I was abused until I left my house as a teenager, physically, mentally, and definitely emotionally. I was always lonely at home, and always feeling like crap about something. I would go to school, people would try to talk to me, and I would isolate them all. Why? I was afraid they were being fake, and hated me just as much as my family did. I used to run away, and sit alone, with my head between my knees, and they would follow me. I was so thrown off by their "fakeness" that I would bawl when I got home, thinking that they all hated me, and that they were just trying to make me cry by being "nice". It never went away. As I got older, I accepted that people followed me, and wanted to be around me, but I still never thought they were genuine. My parents treated me differently at home, than with people -- I thought my friends would turn out to be the same way. They never did. My anxiety and my fear, has lead to me to hurt the people I know care about me the most. I treated my friends badly in high school, and everyone thought it was an ego. I wanted to be alone because I never thought they were true. After all these years, they haven't gone anywhere. I know now that they don't want to be popular by association, but the are really my friends. I still do prefer to be alone because I know I can't betray myself.

I have developed a "whatever" attitude. I don't give a flying f*ck about what people think about me. If they think I'm *****y, that's great -- I knew that way before them. If the don't like me, their loss. If they do like me...oh goody. I learned to stop fearing people's intentions, and fear if they were real, or would treat me like my family did. Even if the did treat me like that, I won't lose any sleep over it.

It does suck, and I do understand you.

 

[han]

Originally Posted by CellyCell /img/forum/go_quote.gif ugh im annoyed - had i had commented while back but my net timed out and i had to rush to work. luckily, i copied it before hand haha

Well, Skank...

...Nox gave some great advice there and here is my two cents.

You know we got lots in common so of course you know I'm shy as well - because I was never comfortable in my appearance and had low self-esteem for the longest I tended to shut myself out when meeting new people. Even until this day, I literally get tensed up and tongue tied when speaking to people I've never met - more specifically when I'm "forced" to meet them. Like, my friend's new boyfriend or something. Paranoia comes through me as well - I have a feeling of them making snap judgements about me.

I don't know about you - but I tend to get bored easily, so out of that habit - it has made my ass want to speak with people. I have this "class clown" mouth that just gets the best of me and gets me noticed. In college, we're made to sit with strangers - so by proximity - I make small chat with those. Usually starting about school and what their major is and what classes they're taking. Whatever your choice - I'm sure you have no difficulty making small talk. The key is NOT to make quick judgements about them because you think they're not the same like you or get paranoid that they don't want to talk to you. I don't know how to tell you to stop - it's a gradual thing that gets easier to get a hold of the more often you do it. Anyways, I know you're pretty funny - so USE THAT!

Trust me, humor gets people to ease up around you. None of that intellectual stuff, haha. Don't think about "fitting in" - you can conquer that hurdle later on. Just get use to making acquaintences for now, even if you have enough. I notice you have a tendency to push people away who don't share the same "morals/beliefs" as you - which is good to weed out potential drama but look at it as opposites attract sometimes. My one best friend and I are opposites when it comes to how we like to have fun - she goes to parties and clubs plus she flirts with a bunch of guys. I don't agree much with that lifestyle, but she's the outgoing one for us both - but our common interest was that we laughed at a lot of things. I would never have imagined being friends with the former "high school cheerleader"... she's much more popular than I am. But because I'm goofy and never let drama get to me, we clicked. And trust me, I hated her when we first met because I thought she was one of them stuck up folks and judgemental. So goes to show as well, that people are different when you give them a chance.

You say you are willing to make small talk and try to make friends but they just don't give you the time or day? Loosen up... I bet it has to do with your approach, how you speak, mannerisms - whatever it is. Maybe folks see you as stuck up or you give out a *****y vibe? Haha - it happens, I've been told many a times that I look like a beeyatch but am the complete opposite when they speak to me... but knowing that has made me change my expressions and approach to folks. When someone looks at you - smile. If you roll your eyes often, quit it... raise your eyebrow in disapprovals? Botox that shit. Haha.

There's a reason why you don't get picked for partners or being approached, it's because you don't make the effort to make your presence be known. Now, I'm not saying be the center of attention - I've done that at college because of my mouth and everyone thought because I am vocal - that they can easily approach me. That's good and all but certain people I was like, "um... go away". Right? Haha.

I would say more but I'm going to be late for work.

i agree with EVERYTHING celly said, i think she hit the nail on the head.i know you said you dont feel as though theres any personality flaws, but to be honest everyone has personality/physical flaws, some more or less than others.. so if this has been going on your entire life maybe you need to look inward and try to figure out what it is that keeps you from haveing friends or meeting people, one thing about friendship is its a relationship like any other relationship for us to be loved, like and accepted unconditionaly we have to be willing to do the same with our friends. sure everyone shares diffrent likes and dislikes but i think thats what makes us so unique and communication is key too.

i wish you luck.