Learning to Trust again

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Ok, here it is.. busted the BF having a "mental affair" with a woman who he knew 10 years ago and lost touch with until recently. I saw an email in the beginning that was not kosher, copied and pasted it into an email to the BOTH of them, she emailed me back with this diatribe on how VERY married she is, has no feeling like "that" for my BF and wont be having an affair with HIM or anyone else.. well, 3 weeks later, found MORE stuff, about houses and having kids etc.. and had it out with him, then called her up, left her a hate message on how i knew about what was going on and i WAS GOING TO PROVIDE HER HUSBAND (A POLICE OFFICER!) with all the info i had.. which was plenty damaging.... She emailed me with "so sorry for hurting you, this was a mental affair that never intended to happen, it was wrong and yes i told my husband and i will never bother you or BF again". BF and I had battled from last wednesday AM when this happened until Sunday. He called me up, wanted me to meet him for dinner on monday.. why i say? he wanted to talk about this, he loves me, is sorry, lets see if we can work it out, blah blah blah.. i refuse at first, but he really wanted to. So i conceded. BF works weekend night shift which is 11 hours 9pm to 8am friday, saturday, sunday & then Monday night is his last night of his shift. So he went home monday morning, slept until 5pm, came up for dinner for 7pm. He did alot of the talking, he took responsibility as well as apologized for his "fantasy". He was angry that i told everyone, angry that i told his MOM, as well as feeling guilty. He said "i did this, and i know you dont trust me, and you have every right to be hurt and angry but i want to try to see if we can salvage this, because we are better people and we have history. i asked him why he said those things to her, when he has NO money for a house, not really a big fan of kids and couldn't even IMAGINE buying real-estate cuz he is so in debt. And where was SHE when he had all these crisises that i was there to support him through.. He said see.. it was a fantasy, you KNOW i have crap credit and in debt, so you KNOW i can't buy a house ANY time soon and you know that i am not great with kids either! which is so VERY true.So, after almost 2 hours of this, i decided we would 'see where it goes'. he had to get to work for 9pm. Tuesday morning, he IM'd me to ask if i would see him for coffee.. I did. We talked again for about and hour and half.. he has now been awake since Monday night, 5pm! He had to go back to work for mandatory training for 11am which would get out at 1:30. well, he asked for the chance. .he came to ME.. not me going to HIM. We said alot of mean things to each other. At least he took responsibility. Later Tuesday afternoon, i see an email. the subject said "past bad idea and the future". it was CC'd to me and actually an email to HER. he said he didn't know what to say so he would be direct that he came into his world on july 3rd and although he has enjoyed chatting and her company, it didn't come without a price, and that price is strain on his relationship with me. But now it has to end, he is sorry if it hurts her or comes out of left field, but its for the best".. I did NOT ASK HIM TO DO THIS!!! He was awake now, for 22.5 hours when he sent that email. Most people seem to think that this is his way of showing me he is serious. He has NOTHING to gain by lying, just everything to LOSE by it. He knows i am ready to walk.. if he was so unhappy, why come to me for another chance? Why send that email? I have done alot of snooping lately, i have not found a single inkling of her since.. i did find one single line email, about acreage...but NOTHING else. I can't help the snooping, but he has called me as he said he would, he has been forward and honest so far.. I am just really on edge, dont know if i wanna stay or go.. Friends are real supportive and stuff, those who know him can't BELIEVE this happened, as its not his M.O... i need to try to relax and see what happens.. anyone ever have a relationship survive something like this?

 

Liz

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oooh. this is a hard one. for me, i wouldn't be able to go back with him. once he breaks that trust, it's gone. i would always be thinking twice about what he says to me. and i would always think about how he wanted to be with someone else. it would be a blow to my self esteem because i would always be thinking about if he wanted to do it again.

but people do change. i think it's up to you and if you think you could handle trying to fix the relationship and try to rebuild the trust.

 
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Yea Liz.. i hear ya. I have known this guy for a really LONG time before we started dating too. Thats ANOTHER issue. I never have had a reason to doubt him before, he had always been honest. I have trust issues to begin with! So this doesn't help!

 
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hmmmmmmm... tough situation... but BRAVO to you for having the balls to call them BOTH on it... for me, i can say that i've been in a similar situation (although, i think it probably had elements of mental and physical in it)... once trust was broken, it became a free for all... i didn't treat the relationship like it meant anything and he continued to be a slacker and "do his thing"... so we ended up dragging it out for three years instead of leaving it after one... BUT your BF is making so many moves to make things right and they seem really sincere... you should always stay on your guard but it sounds like he warrants a second chance (especially after the email - that was something i would have loved to see in my situation)...
 
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yeah- i hear you. i am really scared right now, cuz i have confided in friends who have given me their opinions. some thing he should be chucked right out the window, others believe that mistakes are made, he knows now he made one, a big one. HE came to ME and asked for the chance, HE sent that email without prodding or request from me.. so, i think he does warrant a chance.. A CHANCE, meaning ONE.

He knows if he does anything like this even remotely, he's outta here. period. no discussions, no chances. nothing. BF has alot on his plate, like we all do right now he's technically homeless, in alot of debt and just got a job, the first two are due to the computer saturation.. he had a computer company that failed, so he lost almost everything, except his life.. home, money, savings account. all of it,.. and things just kept getting worse.

i hope, this is worth it, cuz right now, i just dont know.

 
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Oo wow, what a mess! Whatever you do, take it slowly!! He is certainly walking on eggshells, so don't take him back too easily. Take some time to get some space and fresh air and see how he responds. Hope it works out well in the end!

 
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Originally Posted by suzukigrrl Oo wow, what a mess! Whatever you do, take it slowly!! He is certainly walking on eggshells, so don't take him back too easily. Take some time to get some space and fresh air and see how he responds. Hope it works out well in the end! going nice and slow.. its gonna be hard.. but i think. we can do it.
 
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it's very easy for someone outside of the relationship to say leave him, but no one knows what exactly is going on except you and that's a pain in the ass, right?

all i'm gonna say is people make mistakes, but some are worse than others it shouldn't be an excuse.

 
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Been there a long time ago. Although it wasn't physical, alll I will say is once a cheater always a cheater! Don't let the trust issue eat you up if you stay with him.

 
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iv been in a similar situation, it happened 3mnths ago and still til this day were having problems nufin is the same, he still spk 2 the girl over the net sayin nufin is goin on there just friends, and he hardly ever sees me nomore. but despite that im still tryin 2 give it ago because i love him. i think you should do what u think is best, think of how the relationship was before everything happened, was u happy, did he treat u right? but if u hav got the will payer to leave him then i would if i was u (but its totally ur chioce) because since it all happened for me iv jus become an emotional wreck and it plays on my mind allday everday but i just ent got that will power to leave him.

 
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Okay, here's my opinion. I have been there, however, my HUSBAND actually had a physical affair. One night, one time, with a stranger, period. We were separated at the time. I had just had our second child six months before. He openly admitted to me what had happened, cried, apologized, blah, blah, blah. I told him I needed time to think about things and he told me it would never happen again and me and his children was all he wanted. I gave him a second chance and like you, if he was to even remotely screw up again, even just a little bit, I was throwing in the towel. That was a year and a half ago. Needless to say he is still here. He is still doing everything he can to reassure me that I am the only one. He really came through and I absolutely love him even more for that. I will tell you though, those memories play in my mind every day, still. That pain is just something you don't forget. And also like you I have lots of trust issues in the first place so this definately didn't help. But if you really love him and think that you guys can pull through this, go for it. I do not believe once a cheater, always a cheater. People make mistakes, that's what we do. So think things through carefully and I hope that things work out for the two of you. Good luck.

 
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your one tough woman!

i would be really upset, and of course i would give the guy a second chance...after all, everyone does no matter what right?

BUT

you have to ask yourself, if you did that to him , would you be given a 2nd chance?

it sometimes pisses me off that we, woman are the ones who are forgiving and all!


however, if i were you i would play the witch card, and stick around with him until you find someone better and break it up with him.


hope everything works out the way u want girl
i guess we all have our bad experiences with cheaters...my dad cheated on my mom for 3 years, and she always took him back, but that only tempted him to cheat even more! so be careful girl!

 
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Originally Posted by sugersoul
however, if i were you i would play the witch card, and stick around with him until you find someone better and break it up with him.


the best advise yet!!!


i've been there too. but it was a real affair so i guess that is different. we tried to work it out later on down the line but it proved to be too difficult to let the past hurts go. trust is huge as you well know.

so are you taking care of him? homeless? jobless?

 
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hi guys.

thanks so very much for all the help. i think its over.
I was in the ER all day on Sunday, people kept calling and he didn't answer the phone. I mean, if someone you loved was in the ER, wouldn't you be WAITING with phone in hand for update phone calls? yeah, well, when i got home, i called him back, he did leave a lame message on my cell. Nope, he didn't answer. but in a few minutes,he was on the damn internet IM. He didn't even IM me.. but apparently he called my cell phone (which was now off and charging). never called the HOUSE phone. Lame huh? I am sitting here, just thinking about all i have done for and with this guy. Supporting his failing business, going to and working horse shows, when he lost his job, helping financially..When he rolled his truck and had no vehicle. he borrowed mine. I dont know what happened to the man i KNEW. I was friends with him for years. He was always kind, honest and supportive. I guess people can change.. for the worst. All my friends say the same thing, i am better off without him. And thats true. And not for nothing, they dont know the "other" half of my relationship with him. I can't expect them too. I guess right now.. i am just feeling bad for ME. I can't comprehend how a 39 year old guy can screw around with someone's heart. Especially him. Now that this has happened to me.. i sit back and think about all i have done.. and how he had nice words.. but nothing else. The PROMISES of "things will get better, i love you, stay with me, i need you, you complete me".. was it all crap? I will never know. But all i do know, is that he had a choice.. and he CHOSE to treat me like this. After all i have given up and done. Thats the part that hurts the most. But i know, it will hurt for awhile.. i will be ok.. wiser maybe?

 
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I have DEFINATELY come to learn "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger"! It is so true. My mom and dad were married for 24 years and he all of a sudden decided he didn't want to be married anymore and found a girlfriend on the internet. This completely crushed my mom because her entire world since she was 18 has revolved around my dad. She did EVERYTHING in her power to see that he was happy and taken care of. It's almost like they don't want to be treated perfectly. Like they want to be treated like crap and that makes them want you more. I don't get it. But trust me, it will get better and you will be stronger. It hurts like hell now and you probably will never know the answer to the "why" question. But he is obviously not the one for you, there is someone God has in store that will be that special person who will treat you like the queen that you are. Trust me. He's out there somewhere. My mom always said, " you can't see the rainbow without going through the rain". She's right. Hope things get easier for you soon.

P.S. Are you okay now? Why were you in the ER? You don't have to say if you don't want. Just making sure you are okay now.

 
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I'm so sorry about everything that has happened to you! From what I've read, he doesn't deserve you at all: there is no need to put so much effort into this relationship if the other person isn't going to do the same (I mean, it takes two people putting in an equal amount of work into a relationship in order to make it work). In a way, you being in the ER was a blessing because it helped you discover that your bf is not committed in making the relationship work. After what he did to you, he should be kissing your ass, begging for forgiveness! Take some time to recover, go through a "no-men" period so you can have some time to get to know yourself again after being involved with a significant other, and then get back out there and find the man of your dreams!

It all takes time. But you can do it!

 
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L, we've gotta face it, your situation sucks!!!... but it does make you really stop and analyze what it is you're willing to accept and what is completely unacceptable... sometimes it takes a wolf in sheep's clothing to help you find your inner strength and i think you're really seeing what you're made of... so shed no more tears, and if you've accepted the fact that it may be over, then embrace and move forward... you'll be ok, i'm sure of that... and one day he'll wake up and realize what a stoopid move he made... but by then, you'll be happily off doing your own thing and he will be less than a blip on the radar...
 
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Originally Posted by QurlySq L, we've gotta face it, your situation sucks!!!... but it does make you really stop and analyze what it is you're willing to accept and what is completely unacceptable... sometimes it takes a wolf in sheep's clothing to help you find your inner strength and i think you're really seeing what you're made of... so shed no more tears, and if you've accepted the fact that it may be over, then embrace and move forward... you'll be ok, i'm sure of that... and one day he'll wake up and realize what a stoopid move he made... but by then, you'll be happily off doing your own thing and he will be less than a blip on the radar... I hope your friends love you! Because you are BLUNT girl! MAN do i respect that... ALOT.. Well, it may be over.. who knows. Time will tell.. I got a surprise visit today, complete with an iced coffee (its free for me!) he apologized for not coming to the ER *he was 2 hours away*, he brought WITH him, the Rx for the vicodin *which is why he couldn't drive*and showed me his mouth *i gotta admit, it did look BAD, and swollen*BUT THIS DOES NOT MEAN ALL IS FORGIVEN.... now we wait.. but i gotta date on saturday night!

 
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Wow Lau, that sucks... I've been in similar situations - even with my current bf. And my crap happened within our 1st year together... and it's up to 4 1/2 yrs. now. All I can say - is that 'forgive and forget' stuff is pure bullshit... because even if I did "forgive" to this day I will NEVER forget. I mean it wasn't anything physical, at least that I know of... but I still felt my trust was betrayed. And for that, I just cant forget no matter how much I try. I'll still have urges to bring it up now if we fight about something. He tells me to get over it, but I guess you never really can. So maybe just taking it little by little is the best thing to do, because you have to decide whether or not you can 'deal' with it forever. And that can definitely affect things overall.... but hey, at least ya got a date this weekend!!! Maybe this guy might be what you need to help clear your head and figure out what it is YOU want out of this
Good Luck!

 

Liz

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one thing that i would always worry about is that once a person gets caught for something, they learn to hide things better because they know about the consequences. that is if they don't learn their lesson and still want to lie about things.

 

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