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(Moderators: I'm not sure this is in the right place, so much has changed since I last logged in lol.)
I know I can always come here for logical opinions and advice, as random as I may be /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />.
Now, the situation: Which relationship do you prioritize when it comes between your spouse or your children? Maybe I'm looking at this completely wrong or I'm rationalizing everything in the wrong order. I know that our past experiences determine our answers therefore I'd greatly appreciate everyone's input.
I have been having a personal battle with my spouse in regards to this and I am mature enough to realize that there is no right or wrong. There are so many gray areas when it comes to family dynamics and what works for one family may not work for another.
My spouse feels that our child should come first no matter what. Literally, as in set in stone. He feels that our child has to be an aspect of every moment in our lives and makes decisions that revolve solely around him. His reasoning is that while I may be his wife and he may love me dearly and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, at the end of the day only our child will really be with him til the end. He reasons that we may separate, that one day we might not be together anymore but that at least he'll always have our son. He claims that at least he knows that no matter what happens to me my son will always "have his back" or be there because that is his flesh and blood. All this is how he truly feels. I can't even remember the last time we went out on a date.
As much as I adore the fact that he loves our son this much and never have to worry about that aspect of their relationship, it has taken a toll on our relationship and deteriorated our bond dramatically throughout the years. I feel that our relationship should come first as long as it doesn't jeopardize our relationship with our child. For instance, if I decided that I wanted to get drunk and party all weekend, I wouldn't expect my husband to ditch our son just to put me first. First of all, I wouldn't even do that...I have never been drunk, never even been in the presence of drugs, and I'm not a party person. I'm also not saying that if I want attention that I should always get prioritized no matter the situation. I know that sometimes our relationship is going to have to be put on the back burner should we be dealing with a bigger crisis involving our son.
HOWEVER, my strong belief is that happy children come from happy parents. Happy parents are able to work together as a team to guide their children. They create a strong unit of love that is a safe haven for their children. I remember when I was child, no matter how difficult my relationship got with my parents, I knew I could always count on them as my home base through my emotional turmoil. They lost and gained together and I always saw them as one. I truly feel that children benefit greatly from not always being the front and center of every circumstance. It teaches them the value of respect and unselfishness. It shows them how a marriage (my personal status) should be valued and that it's not just something that can be walked away from when you get bored or decide otherwise. It gives them security.
Having my son is a blessing, a hard, difficult but very fulfilling joy. But I'm well aware that when I brought my son into this world that as a parent it was my job to raise him to the best of my knowledge so that he could grow up to hopefully be a good person with morals and values. He may be my little man right now, but at the end of the day I'm raising someone's future husband and father. I do not take this lightly. Like my grandmother says, when you get married, you are technically now a grain of sand from a different beach.
I've read up on marriages of older individuals who have been married for decades and the one pattern I noticed was how they always put each other first. It makes sense, me and my husband were together before our son, we are together while we raise him, and hopefully will still be together after he "leaves the nest." How can this be possible if our relationship isn't the number one priority. I'm not saying that while our relationship should come first that our relationship with our son should be any less important. I feel that if a couple is honestly constantly working at their marriage, that love will trickle down to the children and they will appreciate it much more. That happiness comes naturally when you have happy loving parents. Our relationship is the foundation of the family. The family would not be possible if it wasn't for our relationship. When we got married, we made vows to each other and no one else.
I want to make it clear that I'm not saying that I trying to be selfish and make it all about me, me, me, I , I , I, only us forever and ever and ever. When I married and the way I view my marriage is that my husband is just like my child and on a certain level more significant. My son did not have a choice in who his parents were but we had a choice in who we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with. It makes it that much more sacred to me. But just how I feel I could never part from my son, I feel the same way with my spouse. And the significance, once again, and that this bond is not one of flesh and blood but of choice. Our son is the byproduct of our love and very significant to me.
In my mind, motherhood and being a wife are two very complicated intertwined identities of mine. But I'm a wife first and then a mother. I've noticed how my sons reacts when he sees that me and my husband are genuinely happy and lovingly carefree. He has that twinkle in his eye that shows just how secure he feels that he has the both of us. My husband will give me a hug and a kiss and my son will melt on over and want some of that love as well because in my mind, he enjoys that security of having both of us.
Maybe I'm looking at it completely a$$ backwards lol but any advice at how I may be seeing this incorrectly or maybe not seeing it from his point of view would be greatly appreciated. I'm very confused.
I know I can always come here for logical opinions and advice, as random as I may be /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />.
Now, the situation: Which relationship do you prioritize when it comes between your spouse or your children? Maybe I'm looking at this completely wrong or I'm rationalizing everything in the wrong order. I know that our past experiences determine our answers therefore I'd greatly appreciate everyone's input.
I have been having a personal battle with my spouse in regards to this and I am mature enough to realize that there is no right or wrong. There are so many gray areas when it comes to family dynamics and what works for one family may not work for another.
My spouse feels that our child should come first no matter what. Literally, as in set in stone. He feels that our child has to be an aspect of every moment in our lives and makes decisions that revolve solely around him. His reasoning is that while I may be his wife and he may love me dearly and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, at the end of the day only our child will really be with him til the end. He reasons that we may separate, that one day we might not be together anymore but that at least he'll always have our son. He claims that at least he knows that no matter what happens to me my son will always "have his back" or be there because that is his flesh and blood. All this is how he truly feels. I can't even remember the last time we went out on a date.
As much as I adore the fact that he loves our son this much and never have to worry about that aspect of their relationship, it has taken a toll on our relationship and deteriorated our bond dramatically throughout the years. I feel that our relationship should come first as long as it doesn't jeopardize our relationship with our child. For instance, if I decided that I wanted to get drunk and party all weekend, I wouldn't expect my husband to ditch our son just to put me first. First of all, I wouldn't even do that...I have never been drunk, never even been in the presence of drugs, and I'm not a party person. I'm also not saying that if I want attention that I should always get prioritized no matter the situation. I know that sometimes our relationship is going to have to be put on the back burner should we be dealing with a bigger crisis involving our son.
HOWEVER, my strong belief is that happy children come from happy parents. Happy parents are able to work together as a team to guide their children. They create a strong unit of love that is a safe haven for their children. I remember when I was child, no matter how difficult my relationship got with my parents, I knew I could always count on them as my home base through my emotional turmoil. They lost and gained together and I always saw them as one. I truly feel that children benefit greatly from not always being the front and center of every circumstance. It teaches them the value of respect and unselfishness. It shows them how a marriage (my personal status) should be valued and that it's not just something that can be walked away from when you get bored or decide otherwise. It gives them security.
Having my son is a blessing, a hard, difficult but very fulfilling joy. But I'm well aware that when I brought my son into this world that as a parent it was my job to raise him to the best of my knowledge so that he could grow up to hopefully be a good person with morals and values. He may be my little man right now, but at the end of the day I'm raising someone's future husband and father. I do not take this lightly. Like my grandmother says, when you get married, you are technically now a grain of sand from a different beach.
I've read up on marriages of older individuals who have been married for decades and the one pattern I noticed was how they always put each other first. It makes sense, me and my husband were together before our son, we are together while we raise him, and hopefully will still be together after he "leaves the nest." How can this be possible if our relationship isn't the number one priority. I'm not saying that while our relationship should come first that our relationship with our son should be any less important. I feel that if a couple is honestly constantly working at their marriage, that love will trickle down to the children and they will appreciate it much more. That happiness comes naturally when you have happy loving parents. Our relationship is the foundation of the family. The family would not be possible if it wasn't for our relationship. When we got married, we made vows to each other and no one else.
I want to make it clear that I'm not saying that I trying to be selfish and make it all about me, me, me, I , I , I, only us forever and ever and ever. When I married and the way I view my marriage is that my husband is just like my child and on a certain level more significant. My son did not have a choice in who his parents were but we had a choice in who we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with. It makes it that much more sacred to me. But just how I feel I could never part from my son, I feel the same way with my spouse. And the significance, once again, and that this bond is not one of flesh and blood but of choice. Our son is the byproduct of our love and very significant to me.
In my mind, motherhood and being a wife are two very complicated intertwined identities of mine. But I'm a wife first and then a mother. I've noticed how my sons reacts when he sees that me and my husband are genuinely happy and lovingly carefree. He has that twinkle in his eye that shows just how secure he feels that he has the both of us. My husband will give me a hug and a kiss and my son will melt on over and want some of that love as well because in my mind, he enjoys that security of having both of us.
Maybe I'm looking at it completely a$$ backwards lol but any advice at how I may be seeing this incorrectly or maybe not seeing it from his point of view would be greatly appreciated. I'm very confused.