Validation after 22 years abuse...from my blog... forums

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Dec 28, 2006
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I just got a phone call from my mother. My mother and I talk about every day, but we spend a lot of the time fighting and I spend a lot of the time furious at her. Just because all my life I've never, ever been good enough.

I got in trouble my senior year because I made a B in Calculus-- because I screwed up when my mom was in ICU dying. She got mad at me for it. I started having seizures then. Because I was so stressed and when she was all better it became all about how I made a B.

Anything 95 or below wasn't good enough. Wearing my hair in a ponytail wasn't good enough, why didn't I style it and wear it down? My make-up wasn't good enough, I had a ring of make-up around my face sometimes, why did I always have to rush things? Why couldn't I lose weight?

I would be screamed and yelled at. Horrible things. I've never quite forgiven her for telling me (just this past year in fact) that I did nothing but disappoint her. All I was was a disappointment.

I busted my ass for years. Years. I'll be 22 this October and I can count on one hand the times she's really told me she was proud of me or that she loved me.

I developed anorexia because she was always on about my weight. When they discovered that and got ashamed of me and made me eat, it turned to bulimia. I overdosed on aspirin and ****ed my heart up because I wasn't good enough. I have scars up and down my damn arms because I wasn't good enough.

And then she calls today. And says, "[My little sister] got her test scores back and they're all average or below. And it's not because she's not smart, she is, it's because she works too slow. And I realized that if it had been you I would have yelled and screamed at you and grounded you. Because you had to prove yourself to me over and over again not because YOU were insecure but because I was."

"And I just want you to know I realize that. And that you've done enough. I realize what I did. You don't have to prove anything so just do your best-- I realize all this now."

What the hell? I am so angry. Why did it take her so long? I'm so relieved too though, almost 22 years and I'm finally good enough? I don't know what to think or do right now at all. I'm angry and relieved and sad all at the same time and I know I should be happy she finally realized it but I just can't be right now. It took her so long. I don't know if I should even forgive her or try to move on. The damage is done. It's been done. I'm on so many psychiatric meds I can't even keep them straight half the time. I just want to be good enough and even though she says I am now I still don't feel like it at all.

I don't know what to do now.


I can relate to your childhood. I grew up with abusive parents. They were very critical of me, told I wasn't wanted etc etc.

In regards to your mom apologizing... no wonder you feel shocked and have mixed emotions. I think with abuse victims we are so use to being put down and when the parent(s) say something positive it floors us. We are so use to their critical and damaging words. So what you are feeling is normal and it is perfectly okay to feel this way. You have been through alot in your life but you seem very strong willed, intelligent and that is what will keep you going.

You do what you feel is best, whether that is letting your mom slowly back in your life or keeping things the way they are. I think feeling in control and letting ourselves make the decisions in regards to our parents gives us the power and esteem that we lost growing up.

My parents haven't apologized to me at all, not sure if they ever will. If they do, I'm sure I will feel similar to you.

I hope this makes sense and helped. Please keep us updated. Hugs to you.

I think it's best for those who have been in your situation or similar give you advice, but I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry you went through and continue to have problems with your mother. I wish I could say something wise here. Instead I just send a sincere hug your way.

Hey, I answered in your blog, but I did so nowhere near as eloquently as Canadian Gurl. She's right. This is all about you and how you feel now.


I forgot to add...

It takes time to learn in regards to being in control, it won't happen overnight. Don't be hard on yourself if it takes extra time.

I was in a violent relationship and I'm just starting to learn how to take control of my life.

If you need to talk please feel free to pm me.

Wow, thats a lot to digest. I can say I know how you feel because when my mother says somethings to me, I am so furious because she doesn't know how much damage she is doing. In a way, I am glad she apologized to you but apologies sometimes doesn't always cut it. Some how, you will get through healing your self and getting past the anger (i still haven't so if you find a way, please share with me). But till then, hang in there.

I completely understand what you are going through. In my opinion..just because someone finally admits to years of abusive behavoir doesn't change the situation. Great...they finally realized, but you are not obligated to accept their apology or change the way you feel about the abuse. Only time will tell if you can ever get past what has happened. Until then, follow your almost always leads you in the right path.

I understand how you feel too - if I were you I would tell her that she cant just say that and think it will undo years of emotional damage - that she will have to prove that she values you, and that it may be too late, and she may have damaged the relationship beyond repair - be honest and upfront and make her realise what she has lost.

Then, if you feel you can forgive her, move slowly and carefully and work on your relationship. If you don't feel you can forgive her, then move on, safe in the knowledge that there is nothing tying you to this woman any more - you are your own person and your worth is undeniable

Have faith in yourself and your worth - I know that sounds lame, but seriously, learn to value and love yourself, and try to cut out the importance of her opinion.

feel better soon chicken

Reading your post breaks my heart.

I understand why you are angry, but at the same time, I am glad your mother has come to this realization. I am sure she is sorry what for she has done. For some people, their parents never come to make that realization. I think it will take time for you to forgive her, but I really hope that her apology can help make you feel better, even if it takes time.

I have a similar relationship with my mom. Growing up she said and did horrible things to me to shred my self esteem. Nothing I ever did was good enough either, and I always felt worthless. If I did the dishes, why didn't I clean the whole kitchen? At 16 when I had a steady boyfriend who loved me and I wanted to go out on a date with him, she told me I was a slut who was probably having sex (which was the ultimate sin in her eyes, she considered it dirty). those are just a couple examples...I don't want to dredge up the worst...I just wanted to say I know how you feel. When you're growing up your parent's totally control your life...and its hard to separate their feelings/actions towards you from reality when you're a all you can feel is that misery knowing you'll never be good enough...all the while still desperately clinging to the hope of one day getting their love and approval. And when you finally reach adulthood and get freedom from them, I think you probably struggle doubly hard to even know who you are as a person...often the things your mom say may ring in your ears years later. I can tell you that over the past 4 years, since I moved out, I have gained somewhat of an understanding as to how my mom could have been driven to do what she still hurts, and sometimes I still struggle with anger...but to me that anger is a sign of healing. Because it shows that you're grieving for what you know you should have had. *hugs*

I love you guys so much.

I've re-read my own posts and the responses over and over again and I don't quite know how to respond. I'm trying to put everything I'm feeling into words in my blog, but it's not working either...if I can ever figure it out and what to say I will add it here also.

I know I should be glad that she finally realized it but all I am right now is angry. SO goddamned angry and it scares me because I'm usually able to block things out and I never feel this bad. When she screamed at me I could block it out and not be affected until well, it got overwhelming and I had panic attacks or just ...well, took it out on myself and over the years it got easier and easier to ignore. And now I'm so angry. So so angry.

I have all these "What ifs" and it just makes me angry. I don't know. I'm not making any sense.

I agree with what BeneBaby said. Quote-"just because someone finally admits to years of abusive behavoir doesn't change the situation. Great...they finally realized, but you are not obligated to accept their apology or change the way you feel about the abuse."

I felt controlled for years by my parents and exbf and it was difficult for me to finally feel I have some control with my life. I'm still working at it. It is normal to have all these confusing feelings. What I find helps me is to journal, write down what you are feeling. And don't let anyone tell you how you should feel or react. It's okay to cry, feel anger, sadness etc.

Were here for you.

Its OK to be angry. The only way you live with something like this is to figure out what it means to you and then go forward. Maybe you reconcile, but more probably you find your inner strength that's been there for you so far and you move on. Don't be afraid of it though.

Remember to love yourself. People do not realize that constant verbal criticism is abuse and very often, the pain does not go away.

These ladies are giving great advice. And Bene baby really hit a point.

The only thing I can add is a word called boundaries.

Just because your mom finally gets how she has behaved doesn't mean she won't repeat her behaviour.

You are an adult now - be very selective about who you allow into you life and what conditions. Never let others - including mom - dictate the terms.

I have come from dysfunction so I certainly can relate to your experiences.

All the best honey.

Wow!! I was very shocked when I read your post. I did grow up with very strict parents. If I made a A my dad would ask me why it wasn't a A+. I know how you feel. I hate to hear that you went through all of that. Just believe in yourself and know that you can accomplish the things that you want. I honestly don't believe your mom could say enough sorry's for all the things that you went through in your life. Maybe it would be nice if you guys got cancelling. I sure would hate for her to put your sister through that.


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